That's All We Got? One Goddamn Hit?

I Write For Detroit4lyfe.com Now

2010-06-22T22:01:00.005-04:00

So, adjust your homepage accordingly.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Detroit4lyfe/60272966049?ref=ts

The Traveshamockery

2010-06-04T03:26:00.006-04:00

Alright, I've watched an unhealthy amount of ESPN/MLB Network in the last day or so. I'm going to lose it. If i hear the phrases "pandora's box," "dangerous precedent," or "baseball purist" one more time I will find that persons residence and do this to their favorite light colored sitting area.

Let's break it down. Starting with the pandora's box and dangerous precedent lines. Like, it would set a bad precedent to get the call right. Obviously it's impossible to correct something that affected the winner or loser of a game. No one expects that, at all. It has absolutely zero to do with what happened the other night. So, since you are the commissioner you write up some rule that only affects egregious mistakes that had no outcome on the winner or loser of the game...Just so you know, that basically leaves Galarraga's perfect game as the lone candidate for change. I can't imagine anyone would oppose this.

Crediting Galarraga with a perfect game does not lessen the achievement or taint it at all. He retired 27 straight batters fair and square. No one would sanely argue otherwise. If this situation happened anytime before the the 27th out, I'd feel differently. This is the rarest of circumstances. When the ump admits the mistake, when the Commissioner of the league admits it...it might be about time to show some common sense.

Click here (sadly, that was the best I could find. But you get the point) or you are not allowed to read this paragraph... Pretend we are living in a time with few laws. I see you walking down the street, and for no rhyme or reason I chainsaw off your hands. I am the only person who has ever chainsawed off anyone's hands in the history of this world. This was such a bizarre thing that happened that there was no law against it. The police saw this, obviously you were apart of this, and I admit I was deeply wrong for what I did. But, no law exists. So, do we immediately correct this? Or let me go free, and then vow to look into a way of making a law that future chainsaw hand attacks will not go unpunished?

Also, saying no precedent exists is just factually wrong. In 1991 baseball Commissioner Fay Vincent set up a panel that "overturned 50 no-hitters." HIT ME. Also, the famous George Brett pine tar game. The Ump incorrectly threw Brett out of the game, and they picked up on the game 3.5 weeks later from that point in the game.

Anyone that calls themselves a baseball purist or uses that defense is a dumbfuck. Baseball purists are the dopes that were probably upset when players started using gloves, baseball was integrated and we started playing night games. If we have the technology and common sense to get the call right, then do it. I swear some of these idiots should watch soap opera's instead of baseball if they really like the drama of an old man who has not visited Dr. Rahmani deciding a black or white incident.

I'm sorry, but this other thing about "learning a great lesson" from this is absurd. The only lesson I learned is life is unfair. Every kid who's picked up a baseball has dreamed of throwing a perfect game. The dream never ends with you being ruined by umpire incompetence on the 27th out. I'd bet your chainsawed arms that Galarraga is never flirting with a perfect game ever again. In baseball history there has been about 200,000 overall games played. Let's say there has been about 20 perfect games. The probability of throwing a perfect game is .001%. Perfect games are insane. There is a good reason a Tiger has *never thrown a perfect game in over 100 years. Sadly, the chances are good we might never see another perfect game by a Tiger for the rest of our lives. This is the pinnacle single game achievement in all of sports.

Also, this nonsense about learning what a "great guy" Galarraga is from this game annoys the hell out of me. Like, he would not be a "great guy" if he pitched a perfect game. Also, how we are supposed to feel great about Joyce admitting his mistake. Well, no shit! He blew it clear as day. He'd be a moron to say otherwise. That's not to say I don't feel sympathy for him, I do, a great amount. This is the only thing this man will be known for. I will know his name for all the wrong reasons. He'll live a rough life where dolts make threats against him for the rest of his life. What a heart warming story that is going to be. Seriously, all it would have taken was Selig to acknowledge that what we saw happened, actually happened. He'd be a footnote instead of the most infamous Ump since Denkinger. Incredibly, Selig's call is even worse then Joyce's call in this situation.

I'll admit that Galarraga's "perfect game" WILL receive a lot more attention then the other 20 perfect games. Some are happy with that, and I can see their point of view. Personally though, it makes me sick. For the rest of my life I will never forget watching this game. Sadly, the first thing I will remember is the call and everybody admitting that what we saw we now have to unsee according to the record books. I don't know why seeing Galarraga's name in a steroid infested record book would make me feel better, but it would, a lot.

28 Up, 28 Down

2010-06-03T00:51:00.007-04:00

Today was my mom's birthday. We had a nice dinner and watched the game together. Both of us wouldn't change seats or mention what we knew was going on. Didn't want to jinx it. The second that call went wrong...I swore a lot, and then immediately stormed out and did not say a word. It was probably about the rudest thing I've ever done. So, that's another thing for Joyce to feel miserable about.

Armando Galagarbage threw a perfect game. You'd admit it, the Cleveland Indians would admit it and even Jim Joyce would admit it. What happened tonight was one of the more sickening things I've seen in sports in my lifetime. Galarraga, drafted as an Expo, a lifetime journeyman just had one of the more remarkable 9 innings in recent baseball history. He legitimately pitched a perfect game. The first one in the 107 years of Detroit baseball history. Instead, we are probably going to murder some poor, blind, mustachioed man tomorrow.

This can be made right, easily. This should be ruled a perfect game by Selig. The only reason this would not happen is because baseball is about the most archaic ruled thing ever. Some "purists" might say that going against the umpires ruling cheapens the integrity of the game. I'd easily argue that it hurts the integrity of the game much more by making us "unsee" what we all saw tonight. Also, if All-Star games can end in ties, this game can end in perfect game.

I have lots of umpires on my shitlist. When I see them, I know some screwy things are afoot. Jim Joyce...was not one of them. He made a mistake...an egregious and correctable mistake...and his entire career and legacy will live in infamy for the rest of his life. He knows he f'd up, and so does baseball. Correct this, so this man can be remembered for his obscene mustache instead of his obscenely terrible call. Nobody wants to see another Denkinger situation here.

OK. That all made sense, right? But, it's not going to happen. So, Galarraga will not get credited with a perfect game. On the other hand, he did accomplish something that I would wager will never be equaled. He retired 28 batters in one game without anyone reaching base. Steve Nebraska couldn't even top that. It deserves an awesome name. I was thinking something along the line of super-sized flawless victory. Ok, that was weak, cut me some slack, i've been over served in rageahol tonight. If you got better suggestion, let me know and we will trademark it as soon as possible.

(Selig dressed as the Million Dollar Man. Admittedly has little to do with anything, but isn't your life better for seeing this?)

IT'S OPENING DAY, PAHDNUH!

2010-04-05T13:15:00.004-04:00

Rod Allen Is Back

Talked To Him Before Season

Tigers Win Pennant

Good news everyone! Spring has spruuunnngg, winter's donnnee and it's opening day. Detroit once again has a team of scrappy millionaire's ready to compete for the coveted American League Central Title.

Losing Granderson and Polanco from last years lineup places extra importance on the pitching staff. Luckily the Tigers picked up half human, half machine Max Scherzer. His spring was rough, probably due to faulty programming, but he should tuned up and ready to go this year. Word on the street is that Scherzer saw an especially beautiful sunset before leaving spring training and a single tear streamed down his robotic face. Scherzer developing the ability to feel is huge for the Tiger's 2010 prospects of success.

Cabrera looks to be poised for a big season. Supposedly all off field distractions are gone, and he is completely focused on winning the first of many triple crowns Rod Allen promised us. I have mixed feeling about this. On one hand, it's great he's comfortable and focused on earning his 150 brazillion dollar contract. On the other hand, the verb "Cabrera'd" was rapidly becoming my favorite word in the english language.

Well, I just heard the sound of the turtle. It's opening day. Eat em' up Tigers.

April In The D

Sonic Ecstasy All Month

Muted April Eighth

Tigers vs. Leather Shoes

2010-03-01T19:59:00.007-05:00

The Florida Suckern Moccasin's take on the Tigers tomorrow. The fightin Moc's are currently the #1 ranked team in D2. Speaking of D2, here is the greatest achievement in cinema history in it's entirety http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rADf6gXU9E8. Oh man, remember when Kenny Wu scores against Iceland!? You don't, well youtube does! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxSY4vClA4U. What an underdog! But, I digress...

Leyland announced his lineup for the big game. According to the Freep, it is as follows.

• Austin Jackson, CF

• Johnny Damon, LF

• Magglio Ordonez, RF

• Carlos Guillen, DH

• Don Kelly or Kory Casto, 3B

• Scott Sizemore, 2B

• Gerald Laird, C

• Adam Everett, SS

A couple of suprising things stick out about this line up. A Jax batting 1st followed by Beef Supreme is something to take note of. Another thing to take note of is that we are only batting 8 and playing without a first basemen. In my opinion, playing without a first basemen is a risky move.

If the Tiger's lose tomorrow, I will riot.

You can follow the game live HERE.

Justin Verlander Is Ready For 2010

2010-02-25T00:46:00.004-05:00

Your Detroit Tigers signed the missing link, Johnny Damon to a one year contract. I’ve heard a lot of mixed reaction to this signing and to me it makes little sense. I think we can all agree before this signing we had these weaknesses…

-No leadoff hitter. I’m excited about Austin Jackson…but in the minors he struck out at a higher % then CG did in the MLB. And, his power numbers were positively Nook Loganion. And Is yet to face MLB pitching.

-Lack of lefty hitters. Carlos Guillen will get injured this year. I’d bet my hypothetical farm on it. Avila looks to probably be starting in AAA this year. In which case, utility infielder and feared slugger 5’3’’ Ramon Santiago is your lone LH bat. In a park that has a short RF fence; it’s sometimes nice to try to take advantage of that once in a while.

-Lack of offensive power. We are still below average, but we were a little over a month away at looking at a lineup that consisted of black holes of Laird, Inge, Everett, Sizemore and Jackson. And, that is hoping that we get September Magglio, a non broken Guillen, and relying on Raburn to consistently be a plus hitter. All the while providing little protection for Cabrera.

-Another thing I heard is that we overpaid for Damon. It’s a one year contract, and there is no salary cap. This should have zero impact on future spending. I think most agree we do not want Magglio’s 18 brazzilion $ option to kick in next year. He needs I believe 134 games played for it to automatically kick in. Last year he played 131. Adding Damon makes this tougher for Magglio. So, it could actually save us $ in the long run. And, if you are still upset, support the team and eat a hot and ready.

Also, Damon wears his socks high. This has already endeared him to 85% of our teams fans and should result in many more tickets sold.

-The only complaint that has some substance albeit very little to me is this takes away at bats from Raburn. Raburn had somewhat of a breakout season last year. He had a respectable average and put up good power #’s. This would have more merit to it to me if Raburn was not just about to turn 29 and showed anything resembling in the past some kind of track record that we should expect these numbers in the future. But, as a super sub and the near certainty someone playing above him will be injured he will seeing many more at bats this year.

Alright, it’s February, players reported just the other day. I am yet to see any of them wearing a Detroit Tigers jersey. So, I feel like I am definitely not out of line to tell Jim Leyland how to run his team. First off, let me get this out of the way. Almost every single batting order, pitching decision I would do the complete opposite. I’m bizarro Leyland. But, if you told me going into last year that Granderson, Polanco, Magglio, Inge, Laird, Guillen, Robertson, Willis, Bonderman, Zumaya, etc. would massively underachieve…and we’d still have a chance for the playoffs, I would think you were insane. But, we did. So, I give him credit.

MY BATTING ORDER

1. Johnny Damon LF. Lefty bat, OBP% 40 points better then CG. Way less K’s. If you read my blog, there is a fairly good chance that you can throw better then Damon. But, his actual fielding in my opinion is fairly underrated just due to the fact that he has the throwing motion of a velociraptor.

2. Magglio Ordonez RF. Incredibly, much higher OBP% and batting average then Polanco last year. And, I’m hopeful we get Sept. Magglio.

3. Miguel Cabrera 1B. He needs as many at bats as possible. I would always bat my most feared hitter 3^rd.

4. Carlos Guillen DH. If he is not on crutches by the end of this sentence it’s a small miracle. If he can regain some form and be a good LH bat protecting Cabrera it would be a major boost to our lineup.

5. Ryan Raburn 3B. Giving him his chance. He has played IF much of his career. Has the chance to prove his small sample size production last year was not an aberration.

6. Alex Avila C. Solid #’s, lefty bat. Might not be ready, but much better offensively then Laird.

7. Brandon Inge SS. Yes, SS. Your infielder with the most range and best arm should play the position where he gets the most opportunities to field the ball. I pray to Jobu nightly that we get his stats production pre all-star break from last year.

8. Scott Sizemore 2B. In my opinion, our weakest offensively to start the year. I am a Tony La Russa believer here that you bat your weakest 8^th.

9. Austin Jackson CF. I like him, and that if he gets on base he can really set up the top of our order well.

But, this lineup will never come close to happening and was merely an exercise in my boredom.

39 days until opening day.

I Got Elliot Smith on Repeat

2009-12-10T02:46:00.010-05:00

Obviously Dombrowski is not a big believer that the world is ending in 2012. If the world ends in 2012 before our prospects we received get a chance to fully develop I will be so angry with him. Let's hope the Mayan's are wrong for the sake of the future of the Detroit Tigers.

If you do not live your life under the impression that the end is near, then this trade was somewhat bearable from a purely baseball standpoint. We received some solid pitchers and potentially someone who will replace Granderson. But, I really can’t get past why this trade was made. What really was the point? We traded two very productive, relatively young, good contracts in positions of need…for even younger, but less established players. All 4 players we received seem to have potential, but I’m a jaded old man who has followed Detroit Tiger drafts from the beginning of the internet to the current day. I remember dreaming of the day the Greisengers, Munsons, Sleeths and even the Maybins and Millers would suit up for the Tigers. Prospects are neat, but especially in baseball they are never anything you can safely rely on.

MAX SCHERZER:

Probably today has better stuff then Jackson, and a better contract. Some say his “violent” delivery has potential to make him a bullpen arm. If he ever moves to the bullpen…prepare for a scathing bradygee.blogspot post in all CAPITAL LETTERS. But I like Scherzer, a lot.

DANIEL SCHLERETH:

It’s a well known fact that all sons of offensive lineman go on to great pitching careers. He was a recent 1^st round draft pick…which really doesn’t mean all that much to me. He has already had Tommy John surgery. He’s a young lefty bullpen arm. And he has big hair. Two big plusses. Hair he is.

Also, I imagine when Dombrowski was offered Schlereth and Scherzer for Jackson his response was “schure.”

AUSTIN JACKSON:

He will probably be our starting CF next year. Unfortunately according to his minor league stats he is not even close to ready. Struck out 123 times in 504 plate appearances, which is a substantially higher K% then Granderson had in the MLB last year. Hit for basically no power, 4 HR’s last season…And will be 100% in charge of captaining the worst defensive outfield in the history of organized sport.

PHIL COKE:

Lefty Chad Durbin, hopefully. I’d be thrilled if he is that next year.

WHAT WE TRADED:

CURTIS GRANDERSON:

The most beloved sports figure in Detroit. Yes, ahead of Lidstrom. Last 3 years, averaged .277, 25 HR’s and was a plus defensive CF’er. Struck out too much, couldn’t hit lefty’s. Why Leyland batted him leadoff…I will never understand. He hit 30 HR’s last year and basically all were solo Hr’s because the Dane Sardinha’s and Inge’s of the world were setting him up. A pretty monumental waste of his talent at that position. Also, probably shit on the hearts of 8 year old baseball fans across the state of Michigan when they found out he was traded. 2 years removed from a 20-20-20-20 season.

EDWIN JACKSON:

Young, all-star, and had a couple years left on his contract. For half the season was keeping pace with Verlander. Then fell off pretty hard the 2^nd half of the season. Great stuff if he can put it all together.

CF and starting pitching are two serious holes for us. I’ll never be able to comprehend why Jackson had to go. Scherzer is a fine replacement for him, but why he was basically offered to every team as soon as the season ended made little sense. I’ve heard the saying “sell high” on Jackson so much recently. Usually when a 25 year old pitcher has his best season and makes his first all-star game…that usually means he’s getting better, not worse.

The urgency to trade Granderson is really one of the most puzzling things I can remember in Detroit sports history. It’s true he had some glaring weaknesses, but outside of Pujols who in the MLB does not? One sub par, 30 HR season is not enough for me to unequivocally call for a 28 year old player to be on the decline. We have zero MLB ready CF’ers to replace him. And, just for good measure he was easily our best LH bat in a park that favors lefty’s. We have Guillen as the sole starting lefty in the lineup right now. And there’s a 75% chance by the end of this sentence he just strained his back.

…And to the Yankees?! What a sick, sadistic world we live in where such tragedy’s like this can happen. If he excels in NY, the next decade will be borderline unlivable as a Tigers fan. This sucks, so hard.

The Tigers next year are going to field the lousiest offensive lineup outside of 2003 in my entire lifetime. I would easily take 9 .26 Cabrera’s over them. It will be ugly.

C: Laird

1B. Cabrera

2B. Sizemore

SS: Everett

3B: Inge

LF: Guillen/Raburn

CF: Jackson

RF: Maggs

DH: Guillen/Avila/Thomas/

The Tigers are not saying they are having a fire sale…but, in the last week we’ve lost starting CF, 2B, #2 pitcher, Closer, and set up man. If this has to do with $, the fact we kept a $17 million dollhair single hitter will make me bulimic. To me, it looks like Dombrowski caved to Boras. Boras called the Tigers out multiple times in the media for not playing him and we caved. If Dombrowski had any heart under his mauve colored turtlenecks he would have responded with “we aren’t playing that moonfaced, Hugo Chavez supporting, steroid drained, junior varsity level defender, GIDP waiting to happen, A.C Slater reject a million dollars for every time he fouls out on the 1^st pitch to the 1^st basemen! Good day, sir!” But that never happened.

The way this whole thing went down is likely to lead to me getting cabrera’d on a daily basis until pitchers and catchers report. This trade is Dombrowski’s future in Detroit. This trade did not have to be made. Dombrowski is gone from Detroit if this fails.

So far, I’m sure I come across as someone who curses at the clouds and hates everything Tigers right now. Let me say, in a world where I let myself believe that we needed to trade Curtis Granderson and Edwin Jackson I think we did alright. I’ll be there opening day and drinking the kool aid the Tigers feed me by the barrel full. HAVING SAID THAT, I do believe RP is the most overrated position in all of baseball. And I believe that solid defense up the middle C, SS, CF is one of the most underrated aspects of baseball. I also think we should have gotten one of Dunn, or Hughes from the Yankees. Also, if we were trading for prospects, I want prospects that would strengthen our lineup rather then pitching. Our farm system womps, but pitching wise we aren’t as weak as we are in comparison to our future line-up.

In trades, almost 100% of the time I feel that whomever received the best overall player in the trade, wins that trade. Right now, I believe Granderson at the moment was easily the best player in this trade, and will most likely have a better career then Scherzer, Ed. Jackson, A. Jackson or anyone else involved. The Diamondbacks are ridiculous. Nothing at all about this trade makes sense to me and they seem to have gotten substantially worse in my opinion. I grade them a Z.

Illitch must be thrilled. Verlander’s an alright guy, but his Ed Hardy t-shirts will make it hard for the city to embrace him like they did Granderson. Cabrera got drunk with the White Sox the night before the biggest game of the season. That will rightfully hurt him until he hits .450 next season. It’s going to be a lot like 2003 attendance wise. My past phone conversations were “I’m in section 103.” This year, it will more likely be “I am section 103.”

How I felt at 1:54 PM 12/8/09

More, Granderson goodness.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPKnNogMT_s&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdrV5iF43tQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXmaff8F7xc

Eat Em' Up Tigers

2009-09-28T00:29:00.004-04:00

Tigers begin the biggest regular season series in mine and likely your lifetime tomorrow. Too excited to form rational thoughts. I'll let youtube do it for me.

*This is my current ringtone. So, call me, because I like hearing this.

*Proof that video 1 was based on fact

*Many forget Rihanna playing in the background during this HR.

*Pretty terrible they got rid of this

*Lions are 3-1 at games I've been at this year. Largely in part to this song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2NIQtoTJMM

*Pretty much like when we stole Adam Everett from the Twins this year.

*Gunnar Stahl/Joe Mauer, Julie "the cat" Gaffney/Bobby Seay. Yep, that's how it is. Be sure to check out the behind the scenes of "the most epic scene in movie history"

*Vote or die

*Rod looked country strong in the video. He was about to do something fierce on that pitchers brain

*A couple Of Minnesota's best and brightest even know it's true

*Dewey Cox catching a perfect game for the Tigers. Also, the best part of this movie by far is when "chappy" almost saws his hand off.

*the leg kick is pretty epic

A couple random Detroit clips

The Worst Baseball Stadium Of All-Time Is Dead

2009-09-21T16:45:00.007-04:00

A stadium as beautiful as the giant Kent Hrbek mural that overlooks it. Let's break down why I fully supported the Twins being contracted a couple years ago.

I did some research on the HHH dome. Not much, just about as much as they did when deciding to put a baseball team in this god forsaken hell hole. I took all of these facts from Wikipedia, so you know it's accurate.

*The Metrodome was the first major sports facility to have a domed roof supported completely by air.

Do you know what it better then a domed roof completely supported by air? Air.

*Construction success of other domed stadiums, particularly the Silverdome near Detroit, paved the way for voters to approve funding for a new stadium

The Pontiac Silverdome wasn't good enough for the Detroit Lions. The Pontiac Silverdome is no longer good enough for Monster Truck Rally's. Gravedigger and a football team that has won one playoff game in the Superbowl era have outgrown the Silverdome. But, it was good enough for Minnesotan's to house 2 pro teams and a big 11 football team up until this year.

*The Metrodome cost $68 million to build—roughly $2 million under budget, a rarity for modern stadiums.

Seriously, under budget? I'd love to be a part of the meeting that probably went something like this...

"So, we are two million dollars under budget...Let me be the first person to recommend putting walls on your baseball field."

"No. Giant garbage bags it is. Final decision"

"Well, if you insist sir. But what about making the roof a different color...so players can see flyballs?"

"NO."

"How about seats in rightfield?"

"How about an even larger garbage bag, and have it half covering up pushed in bleachers."

"Can we atleast get some dirt for the infield?

"No dirt. I want the ground balls to go over infielders heads."

*Three times in the stadium's history, heavy snows have caused a small puncture in the roof and caused it to deflate

God tried showing them the folly of their ways. Minnesotan's fought God and rebuilt.

*Any ball which strikes the Dome roof, or objects hanging from it, remains in play; if it lands in foul territory it becomes a foul ball, if it lands in fair territory it becomes a fair ball. Any ball which becomes caught in the roof over fair ground is a ground rule double...The speakers, being closer to the playing surface, are hit more frequently, especially the speakers in foul ground near the infield, which are typically hit several times a season, posing an extra challenge to infielders trying to catch them.

This is why I fully supported the Minnesota Twins being contracted. They obviously didn't give a damn. They went right ahead and built the worst structure in modern sports history and stayed there for almost 3 decades. I have seen countless balls bounce over outfielders heads. Balls that would be routine fly outs become triples. Remember the plexiglass boards over the garbage bags? That made no sense. I think they only put that in because they like hockey so much. Can you think of one thing they did right with this stadium? There is not one redeeming quality about this place at all. We should have the Milwaukee Brewers and Miller Park.

Don't give me this "it's cold in Minnesota" nonsense either. Baseball is played in the summer. If it is cold, then baseball players get cold. If it rains too much, then most likely your park has a retractable roof. Can you imagine going to a Tigers game in the middle of the summer and sitting in an air conditioned dome? Sounds dumb, right? Since 1982 Twin's fans have had to put up with that...Many have probably never been to an outside baseball game.

The Tigers just played their last game ever at this abomination to the baseball gods. The Twins have 3 home games left. I hate that place, I hate that team and I hate Bret Favre.

Josh Anderson Sold Into Indentured Servanthood

2009-08-07T23:06:00.009-04:00

"Detroit Tigers platoon outfielder Magglio Ordonez meets with a Hugo fan"

Hey sports fans. The good lord has blessed our local ballclub enough to be in a pennant chase this summer. I don't know about you, but I haven't anticipated something so much since the season finale of America's Best Dance Crew. To the surprise of everyone, except Rod Allen, the Tigers are leading the Central by 3 games.

Playoff baseball is a big deal. If the Final 4 and Stanley Cup taught us anything, it is that a local sports teams success literally solves all of the problems Detroit faces. It's true because people have repeated it enough. Since everything was last solved in april and june, things have gone in the crapper once again. Detroit's shaky future literally rests on the tilted brim of Fernando Rodney.

Since my last update, Josh Anderson was sold into indentured servanthood. He was sold for cash. I don't know how these cash for person trades play out, but in my mind I imagine Dombrowski walking into an abandoned warehouse with a leash around Anderson's neck to meet KC's GM who has a suitcase of $. Luckily for us Josh Anderson has twitter and has kept his many fans updated of his status.

OshKosh B'Josh#13: Traded for cash today. LoL! How can they put a $ amount on the price of a human being! Thank G-D I'm fast!

OshKosh B'Josh#13: Uh oh! KC figured out I'm not good at baseball. They r threatening to put me to work in a tobacco plantation! If only it was a tomacco plantation! Lol!Thank g-d I'm fast!

OshKosh B'Josh#13: Kansas City is run by some Royal dicks! If they ever knew I wrote that, they'd beat me! Anyone watching shark week? Thank g-d i'm fast!

OshKosh B'Josh#13: Seriously, you haven't seen the tomacco simpsons episode? You guys suck. almost as much as the guys who keep on trying to beat me! Thank g-d i'm fast!

OshKosh B'Josh#13: My will to live has been broken :(!These guys with the whips are some serious asshats!

Baseball can be a dirty game.

Is it just me, or does Justin Verlander look like the doppleganger of Luigi from mario bros? What's that? Oh, just me? Then carry on.

With a USA victory this year, we will increase our record in the World Series to 105-2.

5/18, Obscure Ex-Tiger of the day

2009-05-18T14:07:00.006-04:00

Cameron Maybin

Scouts routinely called Maybin a Griffey Junior clone but with a better arm. So, I think we all felt it was reasonably safe to assume that Maybin would rack up 600+ Hr’s, win MVP’s, headline multiple kick ass video games and eventually cure swine flu. For this, I anointed him “megajesus.” This might seem somewhat offensive, but it would not be if you had read multiple Baseball America pre-draft scouting reports.

Maybin was called up late in 2007. In his 2^nd game he faced all around gentleman Roger Clemens. Maybin took the chode deep on a line drive to center field. Next time up, Clemens beaned Maybin on the first pitch. So, Maybin stole 2^nd base on him. This game will not be anything that I ever “misremember.” Unfortunately, Maybin did not have any more highlights that year. He hit .143 that year which was appropriate because Detroit still had man love for him. That year he struck out as often as you did when you first started playing baseball video games with the “hit stick” instead of the “A” button.

In one of the most lopsided trades in the history of the barter system, Maybin was traded to the baseball capitol of the world, Miami. Detroit acquired Miguel Cabrera, “megarer jesus,” and Willis in this trade. Maybin was recently sent back down to the minors. I am sure he’ll be fine eventually, and like all Marlins win the world series every 6 years.

Feel free to share your favorite memories of the third cousin of CFL running back John Avery.

Neat Play, CF #28

2009-05-09T15:18:00.004-04:00

Curtis Grandeson records the 2nd out in the 9th inning

Dontrelle Willis returns next week. This saves Jim Leyland from the impending Miner/Robertson decision. A decision so monumentally difficult, that it would be on par with Ray J’s heart wrenching final decision between ho #1 and ho #2 on his hit show on VH1. Willis, who is attempting to come back from an anxiety disorder, hopefully can be somewhat near what Zach Greinke has become. Greinke was on the verge of quitting baseball because of his condition. Now Greinke has an ERA of .40. This .40 ERA is to the surprise of no one who played MVP baseball 2005.

A couple good Greinke quotes:

1. “I cried in bed, moaning ‘why, why did this have to happen?’” — when asked how he reacted to the news of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston breaking up.

-This reaction seems completely rational. But, I did watch an episode of saved by the bell this afternoon. Jessie Spanno held Slater’s hand causing the studio audience to break out in hysterics.

2. “There definitely will be flying cars, but whether there’ll be flying cars for most people to use, it’ll probably take a long time to straighten everything out, all the rules and hassles. It’ll take a while to figure out how to keep people from crashing into each other.” — when asked if he thought there would be flying cars in the future.

-Once again, completely rational. There will definitely be a transition period in the era of flying cars.

3. “Me. I’m a better hitter.” — when Greinke was asked by a National League scout, “Should we draft you or Scott Kazmir?”

More Greinke quotes here. Some are pretty tremendous. http://www.shan.biz/sports/zack-greinke-the-next-emmitt-smith

While writing this, Starship Troopers has been on mute in the background. No idea why, but somehow this has to result in good karma.

TAWG?OGDH? Exclusive Rod Allen Interview

2009-04-22T22:36:00.008-04:00

The staff at TAWG?OGDH? had a very special opportunity to interview American hero Rod Allen before tonights game against the California Angels. We were able to speak to him before the game during batting practice.

That's All We Got? One Goddamn Hit?: Thanks for being with us Rod. You enjoying your stay in LA?

Rod Allen: Oh, for sure. I got the acoustic version of the April in the D song on my walkman and took a majestic jog on the beach at sunrise.

TAWG?OGDH?: That's a beautiful image, Rod. Now onto the 2009 Tigers. After the pitching staff posted a dissapointing 2008 season...Do you think they will rebound in 2009?

RA: We got some guys who can throw some itty bitty ones up there. These are major league players who can throw some major league pitches. Pitching, hitting and coaching will not be a problem for the 2009 Tigers

TAWG?OGDH?: Verlander struggled last year...Any chance he can turn it around?

RA: Oh, for sure. JV has easy gas. He throws it in there consistently at 100, sometimes 105 MPH. When he is on the hitters got none chance, NONE.

TAWG?OGDH?: Leyland seems to be entering a do or die season in 2009. How do you see him responding?

RA: Leyland? Oh, he's a beauty. He's back to wearing the spikes. Got the high socks going. Pahdnuh, I wouldn't be surprised to see the skipper pinch run in one of these games!

TAWG?OGDH?: Miguel Cabrera looks to be one of best players in all of baseball. Any chance, he can he can win the AL MVP this year?

RA: Miggy? That boy is country strong. He can buggy whip just about any pitch out of the ball park. I'd be surprised if he does not win five or six triple crowns by the time hes done with baseball.

TAWG?OGDH?: That's a gutsy prediction, Rod.

RA: I'm worried about those sitting in the bleachers when Cabby comes to bat!

TAWG?OGDH?: Lay it all on the line, how many wins for the 2009 Tigers?

RA: Oh, 130 easy. This team is dialed in and ready this year. And, SPRING HAS SPRRUUNNG, WINTERS DONNEEEEE.

TAWG?OGDH?: Shut the hell up, Rod.

Oh, and take 300 drinks.

Damn Fine Work

2009-03-18T20:27:00.003-04:00

I received an email that the editors of some website reviewed “That’s All We Got? One Goddamn Hit?” and overall they gave it a 6.0 out of 10. Initially I was upset, I really strived to make this place a 6.5 blog. When they asked if I wanted to display a badge proclaiming this place a 6 out 10, I couldn’t update this place quick enough. The mental image I have of people sitting around a table debating the pros and cons of this place is incredible.

Editor #1: That’s the 15^th Mighty Ducks 2 reference in the last 2 years! Negative points!

Editor #2: His haiku’s are like a serene river flowing straight into my brain! Plus points!

Editor #3: ¿Dónde Está la Biblioteca?

Editor #4: This place emits an aura complacency. If this blog were a dinosaur, it would be a brontosaurus.

Be happy readers, you are reading the Gene Kingsale of Detroit Tiger blogs.

The Fundamentals Of This Baseball Team Are Strong

2009-03-16T21:09:00.005-04:00

Wayne State is on break this week, so Spring Break 2009 Detroit is really in full effect right now. I cranked things up this afternoon by watching some Tigers baseball. Tigers eeked one out against the Cardinals, 7-6. This officially makes everything square from 2006. The winning run came when Will Rhymes dropped an ill single scoring the winning run in the bottom of the 9^th. We currently are a mere 5.5 games back for the Grapefruit League crown. I’m pretty sure the winning team splits a gift certificate from Dunhams or something, so let’s get on that.

Unfortunately for the Tigers the rumors of pitching machines replacing pitchers looks to be false. Dontrelle Willis, Zach Miner and Nate Robertson are waging an epic suckfest for the 5^th rotation spot. All tied up, right now. Bonderman has been broken all spring, but looks like he might be ready for the season. Zumaya is hurt again, proving that he might be the most fragile 260# human being of all-time. Rick Porcello and Rick Perry might start with the club with all the sucking going on.

Detroit really can’t brag about the free agents they brought in this off-season. All of the players serve a purpose, but they aren’t flashy. It’s kind of like buying a belt. If you go brag to all your friends about your belt, they’ll think you are a douche, and rightfully so. But, your pants will stay up. This opinion is probably just because I’ve been bathing in the Tigers Kool-Aid all winter, but I feel Adam Everett>Edgar Diarrhea, Gerald Laird>Fudge and Lyon>Jones.

The World Baseball Classic confuses me so much that it almost makes me angry. My jingoistic tendencies make me want to fight a Canadian when I watch Matt Stairs battle with Latroy Hawkins. But, deep down I’d almost rather both Team USA (Granderson) and Team Detroit (Venezuela) take a dive, so we have our full force of players in spring training, learning how to do stuff, and treating Brandon Inge nicely so he is happy. Also, it would be neat if Carlos Guillen could take some fly balls, so he isn’t completely shocked the first time he doesn’t get a ground ball in left field.

Magglio, when he is in right field looks to be about 15% there. My seats are a couple rows up in right field and people are constantly yelling his name. Instead of ignoring them, like every other MLB player, he decides to stare back at them with a blank expression on his face until the situation is just completely awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. It’s bizarre to say the least. Usually you wouldn’t think this mute would be the center of controversy, but he is. Maggio recently said something along the lines of “the best of the Venezuelan Revolution is yet to come” with Hugo Chavez. I’m watching Venezuela play Puerto Rico right now and Magglio is getting booed without mercy the entire game by Venezuelan fans.

21 days until opening day.

The Gutsiest Play In Baseball Movie History

2009-02-06T13:49:00.002-05:00

Major League was on HBO this morning. I picked it up near the end, right at the beginning of the Yankees/Indians playoff game. I found the scene on youtube, and luckily it is espanol for your viewing pleasure. Start at 3 minutes in. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zijnRKU5osM

I've always been impressed with Jake Taylor's gutsy/borderline psychotic call at the end of the game. Here's the situation. Willie Mays Hayes on 2nd, with Jake Taylor who looks to be fresh off 37 knee operations at the plate. 2 outs, bottom of 9, tie game. Taylor signals to Lou Brown that he has a play in mind. Crotchety Spanish-American War vet Lou goes along with the play and signals to the 3rd base coach the play. If i were Lou, I would have benched him immediately when I saw him go up to the plate with his catching helmet on instead of a batting helmet, but, that's why i'm not an actor. Anyways, I don't know what is more miraculous;A) They have a signal for the outrageousness that is about to take place, or, B) They have practiced such a play before.

The play calls for Jake to call his shot. This is the equivalent of Dane Sardinha calling his shot. Taylor almosts takes a fastball to the dome on the first pitch. The 2nd pitch he once agains calls his shot. This is when my 9 year old brain was offically blown out of my skull. The Yankees skeezy pitcher delivers a strike, and to the surprise of no one, Taylor does not bomb one into the bleachers. Instead, he purposely does a swinging bunt down the 3rd base line. This forces Taylor and his silly puddy knees to beat out a ground ball to the 3rd basemen or the inning is over. The sheer pain in Taylor's face as he runs to the first and the slow melodic music almost caused 9 year old Brady to have a panic attack.

SPOILER ALERT.

Taylor beats the throw! Unfortunately he crumbles over 1st base and this would eventually end up being Jake Taylor's last play in movie baseball history as he would go on to manage in ML2. The play also calls for WMH to try to score from 2nd! Luckily the 1st basemen decides to take his sweet time in throwing it home. The slide might be the most ridiculous thing, ever. He could easily score standing up, instead the slide he does contorts his body in a way that would tear the groins of any mere mortal. This makes the play infinitely closer, but he is safe, and the Indians celebrate their American East title and Jake Taylor makes out with Rene Russo at Milwaukee County Stadium.

Honorable Mentions for gutsiest movie baseball moment:

1. Angels in the Outfield. In the Angels biggest game, Coach Danny Glover leaves Pitcher Tony Danza on the mound in the 9th. The situation is Angels up by 1, bases loaded, and to this point Danza has already thrown 160+ pitches. Another thing to remember is pitcher Tony Danza will die within 6 months due to lung cancer after the completion of this game. Coach Glover is able to convince delusional Danza to remain in the game convincing him he has an angel when he really doesn't. Unfortunately for us all, Danza did have an angel; the angel of death. Danza makes a ridiculous diving catch on a screamer off the bat of another skeezer and the Angels win the pennant.

2. Rookie of the Year. Rowengartner remains in the game even though his arm isn't ridiculously broken anymore. The Cub's coach decides to stick with him in the 9th, and he engineers one of the most ridiculous escape jobs in the history of mankind. He strikes the NL's MVP out on 3 underhand lofted pitches.

If you can beat these, post them up.

2009-01-28T01:55:00.001-05:00

The Detroit Tigers Bullpen; A Bazardo Situation

2009-01-27T00:45:00.009-05:00

Game 4, top of the 8^th inning 2 outs, bases empty, tie game at 3. Enter Jason Grilli, my fellow Royal Oakian. Grilli, AKA Cheese man, throws 12 consecutive balls, loading the bases. My complete lack of faith in the bullpen started precisely at this moment. He was yanked, and we got out of the inning unscathed. But, the damage had already been done to my baby like psyche. Extra credit given to whomever can name the crumb bum who came in and shut the door on the A’s.

Since then our bullpen has been a rag tag group of pranksters that would seem unrealistic even in a Disney movie. Todd Jones could be charged with attempted murder for the amount of times he’s raised my blood pressure to an almost lethal measure. This year he’s gone, and the closer spot is for grabs.

The “big” move so far has been the signing of Brandon Lyons. I’d be lyon if I thought he was the long-term answer, but this former Dback wants the opportunity to put his brand-on the Tigers closer position. Yep, I felt good about that sentence. Lyon signed for 4.25 million, or 17 million quarters. Another signee is Juan Rincon. He’s fresh off a steroid suspension, so, that’s promising, because players usually excel after this sort of thing. Hopefully Zumaya has already mastered expert mode on Guitar Hero so we don’t have a freak accident where he snaps his wrist in half on a plastic guitar during a “Cherry Pie” solo.

In other news, Brandon Inge is happy back at 3^rd. I mean, he’s earned it. Hitting .205 last year while complaining the entire time. He’s the feel good story of the team so far.

Pitchers and catchers report in 2 and a half weeks. Since the Pistons have decided to pout, and the Lions played catcher all sunday this year, it couldn’t come soon enough.

Change I Can Believe In: 2009 Detroit Tigers

2008-10-09T18:40:00.004-04:00

The 2008 Detroit Tigers finished in fifth best place in the American League Central Division, receiving the brown ribbon of sorrow for their effort. The Detroit Tigers were like Crystal Clear Pepsi. When it came down to it, this team had no pop, no fizz, no great taste. I think I'm actually convinced the 2008 Detroit Tigers made me dumber.

SEASON STARTS IN 6 MONTHS. CHANGE.

SS/3B

Brandon Inge will be the 3^rd basemen again. Management, apparently impressed with Inge’s .205 avg. and 11 shitbombs will move Guillen to LF. Apparently, Tigers management is willing to overlook this as long as Inge continues to wear his socks high.

The only way I can justify Inge being on the field is if he our SS. With Renteria likely to be cut loose, even though he did just predict a 2009 WS title here, this leaves us with our biggest hole in our most important defensive position.

Catcher and SS, two positions where I am willing to allow you to hit your weight without me getting hysterical about it. Inge has great range, a great arm, played SS in college, and he also has high socks. At SS, he would have more opportunities for plays and his plus defense would allow more opportunities justifying his existence as a professional athlete. Keep Guillen at 3rd, he was good there.

Dusty Ryan. Sure, He’ll hit .225, but, that’s about .150 better then I’d imagine Dane Sardinha would hit if he was there every day. I think Vance Wilson might be deceased, so, he’s not a viable option

Jim Leyland loves Marcus Thames. He says that every year, and he rewards his love for him by not playing him. Next year, I hope he’ll platoon with Matt Joyce.

Gary Sheffield was the cherry on top of this turd cake of a year. He decided he’d bitch about everything, suck at hitting, get paid a lot, and by all accounts just be a douche. BUT, he is swearing revenge on Carmona. Gary is good when mad. So, feel free to boo him and hit him with pitches, it’s for the good of the team. Also, we aren’t going to pay a guy with 499 HR’s to go away, so we are stuck with him. And he might literally murder one of our rivals best young pitchers. I support that.

My batting order

Granderson CF
Ordonez RF
Cabrera 1B
Polanco 2B
Guillen 3B
Sheffield DH
Thames/Joyce LF
Ryan C
Inge SS

I’ll talk more about this later.

188 days until opening day

2008-09-30T14:49:00.001-04:00

http://s274.photobucket.com/albums/jj274/scollins243/?action=view&current=Movie.flv

Parallels Between Mighty Ducks 2 And The 2008 Detroit Tigers

2008-04-16T16:01:00.009-04:00

(This is an actual t-shirt, you can buy through Grilli himself)

Like most things in life, I can draw direct parallels between one event, and Mighty Ducks 2. The 2008 Detroit Tigers are no exception.

1. THE TIGERS ACQUIRE NEW TALENT. Edgar Renteria, Dontrelle Willis, Miguel Cabrera, Jaque Jones, Denny Bautista.

MIGHTY DUCKS ACQUIRE NEW TALENT. Julie "the cat" Gaffney, Dean Portman, Luis Mendoza, Russ Tyler, Dwayne Robertson and of course Olympic gold figure skater Ken Wu.

Jacque Jones has had a very Ken Wu like season so far.

2. DETROIT TIGERS picked to win world series by Sports illustrated.

MIGHTY DUCKS FAVORITE FOR PRESTIGIOUS JUNIOR GOODWILL GAMES GOLD MEDAL.

Tigers sell record number of season tickets, some question if it's the greatest offense in Detroit history.

Mighty Ducks for some ungodly reason put on cover of Wheaties cereal. Hendrix, their chief sponsor, promises a future of action figures featuring the players.

3. TIGERS BUY INTO OWN HYPE. After starting strong against D2 (GET IT!) Fla. Southern, they coast through spring training with an unimpressive 15-14 record

MIGHTY DUCKS GET COCKY. They beat Trinidad to start off the tournament. Bombay starts attending posh L.A. parties with Kareem Abdul jabar and Wayne Gretzky and dreams of the day that the "Air-Bombay coaching loafer" is sold in stores.

Coach Bombay: Haven't you guys been training in the off-season?
Lester Averman: You know, I knew we forgot something.

In this case, the Trinidadian Junior hockey team is the equivalent to the Fla. souther Moccasins. Tigers beat moccasins 17-4, Team Trinidad goes down 12-1.

Also, the story of Team Trinidad being one of the top Junior hockey teams in the nation is something that is completely overlooked. I mean, I think Canada didn't even make the field. This, and Connie Moreau scoring the first goal against Iceland in the Championship kind of puts the Miracle on Ice game to shame.

4. TIGERS SUFFER HUMILIATING DEFEAT, LOSING TO CHI SOX 11-0

After the game, Leyland tears into the team like only a 145 year old man can and calls out much of the team. Ozzie Guillen, former MLB turd takes great pleasure in beating his rivals.

TEAM USA DOWNED BY TEAM ICELAND 12-1. Led by phenom and ex-city guys star Gunnar Stahl, Team Iceland dominates and embarrasses Team USA. EX NHL goon Wolf "the dentist" Stansson's team overmatches Bombay's squad. Bombay responds with emergence of his alter ego, captain blood, and makes them skate until they aren't HAVING FUN ANYMORE.

5. INJURIES TAKE A TOLL ON TIGERS. Along with numerous other injuries, Granderson starts off the season on the DL with a broken finger. Granderson is the definition of a 5 tool player. And, I mean tool in a good way this time.

ADAM BANKS INJURED. After watching this movie a couple hundred times, i'm convinced Bank's AKA cake eater is the only one with actual hockey talent on the team. All other players have one gimmick move such as skating fast (Luis), slap shot (Fulton), knuckle puck (Russ), Cowboyism (Dwayne), being a whiny bitch (Charlie), etc. Anyways, Banks hurts his wrist after a vicious slash. "2 Minutes?! Vell Vorth it."

Anyways, word is that Granderson took BP today relatively pain free and could play very soon. Banksy wakes up one day and the pain is gone. Crazy, right?

I am eagerly awaiting the Detroit Tigers real life similarity of the street puck game played on the mean streets of Los Angeles. It will probably involve wiffle ball and Clete Thomas beating the piss out of a 9 year old in the suburbs of Detroit after a dispute over if his ball completely cleared the tree for a HR, or simply landed in the tree, thus making it a live ball.
"eating ice cream with the enemy, huh, coach?"

The Tigers have had two great comeback wins against Minnesota (THE IRONY!). I've had the great pleasure of following these games through MLB gameday because Comcast likes to defecate on my soul as often as possible. So, things could start to turn around, and hopefully like D2 ends we will have the Tigers sitting around a campfire as Jason Grilli strums "we are the champions" and Leyland leads the team in a celebratory romp.

Oh, and if you haven't seen Mighty Ducks 2, I apologize for this mess of words. Just for you, and only you, here is Joel Zumaya drinking directly out of keg.

February Baseball

2008-02-25T13:40:00.005-05:00

Today is the eve of the Tigers biggest game of the year that does not count and is played against a college team, the Florida Southern Moccasins. Or, as I sometimes call them, Florida Suckern! See what I did there? Now, it's your duty to listen to this. Hah, duty.

http://www.eharwell.com/turtle.wma

(just make sure to yell 2008 really loud at the end)

Todd Jones toes the mound to start off the pretend season. He might go for the complete game, or he might leave in the 2nd inning because we have 6 others already scheduled to pitch. We will see.

Obviously the big off season acquisition everyone is talking about is that Matt Mantei is a Tiger. Recovering from many catastrophic injuries, such as shark bite and a very nasty case of dirt in the eye, he is hopefully a piece of the bullpen that will not ultimately defecate on our souls when it really matters. Brandon Inge stood in the batters box and watched Mantei's stuff up close. Inge described his stuff as "nasty." Since we know Brandon Inge has a rich history of consistent hitting and not striking out, we know complements such as this are rare coming from him.

We also have Denny Bautista. I misread the article that I read when we signed him, and had a minor spaz attack thinking we signed Danny Bautista, the ROCK of the mid 90's Detroit Tigers outfielding core.I also read that Denny Bautista this off season was featuring a 98 MPH fastball and a "knee buckling curve." If we are lucky, he can maybe be as effective as Al Levine.

The Tigers also aqcuired Miguel Cabrera, Dontrelle Willis and Edgar Renteria. We also traded Cameron Maybin, Andrew Miller. So, pretty lame for an off season. Joel Zumaya was also injured when he crashed his motor bike when he was distracted while holding a guitar hero guitar into his flaming house in San Diego as God attempted to smite California. Fernando Rodney also has a bum shoulder right now. But, we our going to win every game 14-10 anyways, so who needs relievers.

Detroits/FlaSoMoc scheduled for a 1:05 start. Or, for my Hawaiian readers, that's a 7:05 am start. The game won't be televised, probably won't be on the radio, and will probably never be talked about, ever. Needless to say, this game is crucial in securing confidence for a long run into Octovember this year.

Obscure Ex-Tiger of the Day, 12-11

2007-12-12T00:35:00.000-05:00

Chris Shelton

The enigma that is Chris Shelton will not ever be fully understood. Arguably the greatest Mormon red-haired Tiger in 2006, Chris Shelton was on pace to rewrite the record books. On April 17th, 2006 the great red hope hit his 9th HR of the season. At the time, he was the quickest in American League history to accumulate 9 Hr's at such an early date. As historians of my blog will tell you, on that day he was hitting ".471 with 9 HR's, 5 doubles, 3 triples and a slugging % of 1,216." His offense was "Babe Ruthian" and his defense was positively "Roger Dornian." Those three triples must have been pretty wild; I can only assume they came from other teams not taking Tom Emanski's baseball drill videos to heart during spring training.

And suddenly, it was over. I remembered watching a Pistons game in late April of 2006 at Utah, Shelton was there, of course. I remember him wearing a turtleneck and somehow looking extremely awkward, in Salt Lake, which i did not know was achievable. Shelton, started playing baseball like a pasty overweight ginger and struck out as much as Michigan's football coaching search. By June 3rd, he was batting 8th. By late July he was a Mud Hen.

So what happened? Most scholars will point to the obvious that he sold his soul to the baseball gods. He became a cocky Mormon ginger, and the baseball gods decided drastic measures needed to be taken to strike him down. For a good visual of what happened, go rent Space Jam and take note of the scenes when the aliens zap the basketball talent of such stars as Patrick Ewing, Mugsy Bogues and of course Shawn Bradley. Man, the Shawn Bradley MonStar really got boned on that deal. When he wasn't striking out, he was hitting lazy fly balls to the 2nd basemen. He went from unquestionably the best player in early 2006 to making Neifi look serviceable in the way that he played in June-July.

Chris Shelton was recently traded to the Rangers for Freddy Guzman. The Chris Shelton era of Tiger baseball was over. I implore my 3-5 readers to remember the Shelton era fondly. Without him, we do not go to the playoffs. Without him, we can never reminisce about the days when our beloved Tigers were led by Sloth, from the Goonies.

Share your favorite Shelton stories, or just brag about your $100+ Shelton authentic jersey you impulse bought.

Obscure Ex-Tiger of the Day, 11-9

2007-11-09T17:42:00.000-05:00

(He had atleast one error this day)

Neifi Perez.

I fully expect the term "Neifi'd" to take the place of "Munsoned." If you look up "professional swinging bunt douchebag drug attic bag of farts" in your websters dictionary, you'll probably see the picture from above. Never did I ever think that we would look back at the John McDonald era so fondly.

Lot's of bad things have happened in over 100 years of Detroit baseball. But the shitcloud #8 subjected to us might top everything. Neifi played 55 terrible games in Detroit. In his unprecedented run to league LVP he hit below .200, had a grand total of 4 doubles, hit one HR, got suspended twice and killed 6 babies. The Royals did get Neifi'd this year when he hit a HR and had 4 Rbi's in a blow out victory. This upset dwarfed App. St. over Michigan. Sadly, that win over the Royals should probably have an asterisks by it now.

On October 30, the year of our lord 2007, Detroit Tigers (f)utility infielder Neifi Perez filed for free agency. Expected suitors include junior varsity assistant coaching opportunities and/or becoming religious in order to try to save his soul that he sold to the devil.

The Tigers have now had two players suspended because of the new drug policy. Neifi Perez, and Alex "speedy" Sanchez. With these two suspensions, the Detroit Tigers lead all of Major League Baseball in irony.

Share your favorite true or untrue Neifi stories.

Tigers Take 2 of 3 From Racists

2007-07-05T21:13:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates recently, I've been busy debating with myself which Tiger is more "now" then the others. Sportscenter has dazzled us with commitment to suck in the last 5 years, but as I was wasting away my life watching a "contest" between Serena Williams and Steve Nash I could feel actual rage and hatred seeping into my pure heart. So, I changed the channel to Top 40 awesomely wacky celebrity baby names to regain my chi. By the way, Sheffield won my Gene Kingsale bracket because of his comments toward latin players. Way to go Gary.

Kraig Monroe has done his best Karlos Pena impression so far this season. That impression being play like hot garbage and have people threatening to slash his tires for half a season, and then put up Chris Shelton #'s the other half. Well, atleast that's what I'm planning on. It's pretty dumb to have an average fielding LF hitting .225 with less then 10 HR's at the break. But, as Tiger historians will remind you often, he is tied for the most homeruns in Detroit Tiger history.

The Tigers got 3 with Bawstan before the break. I have a feeling we will sweep them because they are responsible for Fever Pitch and I probably falsely blame them for the phenomenon of girls around the country wearing pink mlb hats and jerseys.

The Tigers have 5 all-stars, including 3 starters. That is 4.5 more then we had the majority of my lifetime. I honestly don't know what I did enjoy more, this or when Robert Fick would be our merciful selection to showcase detroit baseball to a worldwide audience.

Eat em' up Tigers.

Nate Robertson Pitches No Hitter

2007-06-20T19:22:00.000-04:00

Sean Casey's HR the other day nearly caused me to do multiple barrel rolls down 96 on my way to East Lansing. I've kind of hated Casey this year. Largely because if I had a choice I'd prefer someone without two torn hamstrings hitting in the middle of the line up and playing 1st base. But, I can't ignore that he's been pretty decent this last month. He's still not ideal, but compared to our bullpen he isn't even close to one of the main problems of this team.

The baseball world was rocked to its core as the Tigers and the Atlanta's exchanged vastly underachieving LHP's. We exchanged Wilfredo Ledezma (a frequent reader of this blog) for Macay McBride. To sum it up simply, both have been lousy, but unlike Ledezma we have the option of sending McBride to the Toledo's. Ledezma will likely start for the Atliens.

Maroth recently was traded to the Cardinals for a player to be named later. Sounds like a pretty fair trade. Maroth is a nice guy, but with Rogers back, he really has no business in the rotation.

Verlander's no hitter was neat. From the 7th inning on it basically was a prolonged panic attack. 12 strike outs and throwing 102 in the 9th was simply video game-esque, which is the greatest compliment you can give to a living person. Robertson also threw a less publicized no hitter for the Erie Sea Wolves.

Roman Colon. We received him in return for Kyle Farnsworth. Nobody liked this trade when it happened, except maybe Jeremy Affeldt. Colon has been injured all year and recently was involved in an altercation in AAA. I'll give you the abridged version, which is sadly a true story. Colon was in the locker room listening to music, Jordan Tata decided it was too loud and went and confronted Colon. The active closer for the Mudhens, Jason karnuth, decided to be the peacemaker and got in between the two. Unfortunately Colon swung and splattered Karnuth's face. Karnuth now needs reconstructive surgery on his face...and is out for the year. Thank goodness for our immense bullpen depth.

Rod Allen recently won his second straight emmy. My neck buggywhipped forward when I heard that fantastic news.

Tigers are home for a couple weeks. Go see them play, dummy.

Tigers vs. Algonquin term meaning "the good land"

2007-06-11T12:57:00.000-04:00

Since recovering from my minor heart attack from the MLB draft, the Tigers have roared back and clawed there way back near the top of the AL Central. The Tigers have really earned their stripes as they have pounced on their prey and shown no mercy. And that's probably enough of those.

I was one of the 8 who watched the MLB draft. Prior to the draft, I had heard of possibly 4 players, one of them being Rick Porcello. This is who the Tigers drafted at 27, causing me and other Tiger nerds across the nation to break out their finest sparkling grape juice and celebrate. Porcello was a high school pitcher, which unfortunately brings down the wrath of the moneyball gods against our organization. Fortunately for us though, Porcello has been called by some the best HS pitcher since Josh Beckett. So, that is neat. If he signs, it's expected it will be for 8-10 million. Mike Illitch has 8-10 million more then me, So I hope Porcello does sign.

The Tigers released Jose Mesa. 0 Tiger fans mourned this loss.

The Milwaukee's come to Comerica to renew their olde timey Al rivalry with the Tigers. Led by Prince Fielder who basically Macauley Culkin'd his father Cecil, who ironically was nicknamed the "Big Daddy."

Kenny Rogers will be back soon. Zumaya might not be back this season. So, get ready to embrace the Jason Grilli close game excitement, and of course embrace the Yorman Bazardo era.

Go Tigers.

Both Teams Played Hard

2007-06-02T00:48:00.000-04:00

(a typical Todd Jones save)

Todd Jones....1 IP, 7 hits, 2 BB, 1 Hr, 5 ER. 46 pitches thrown.

This might be dumbest stat line for a closer in the history of baseball. None of it makes any logical sense whatsoever. Why would you bring in Jones, who is notorious for giving up hits, in the 8th inning with 2 outs and 2 runners on in a 4 run game. We all know deep in our heart that Todd Jones is not a good closer, seriously. A good closer does not average 3.22 K's per 9 innings or have an opponents batting average of .300+ or inspire heart ailments as abundantly as he has. It's basically been dumb luck on our part that he hasn't been exposed. Leyland should know this, how he managed the game last night was inexcusable. None of it was logical. After he blew a 4 run lead and had a capable lefty warmed up in the pen last night he decided to leave Jones in to pitch to a lefty who obviously got the winning hit.

The Tigers have lost 7 of 8 and are 4.5 back. This last week of Detroit sports has been the equivalent of the first Iceland game from Mighty Ducks 2. You know, the ducks are overconfident and their coach is more interested in marketing his air bombay loafers then worrying about the team. If that Mighty Ducks 2 reference flew over your head, I immediately recommend putting it first on your netflix queue.

It's pretty much time for some of the Tiger's to step up. The Tigers all-time postseason HR leader, Craig Monroe, it would be decent if you could hit above .240 for a LF. Brandon Inge, you are getting paid almost 25 million to hit .217 right now. Sean Casey, you've been on a single hitting rampage, which would be nice if you were our utility infielder, but you play 1b. 1b, 3b, LF are three traditional positions where you expect some of your biggest run producers. Neifi Perez, just go away, please. Pudge, you have two walks, one was intentional, stop playing like a douche and having the hitting approach of a Rob Deer. If Magglio Ordonez wasn't putting up Willie May's numbers right now, it would be stupid to think about where this team would be.

Sheffield just got suspended for three games, I still don't know why, but he did. The potential line up for the Texas series is going to be pretty wild.

1. Granderson CF

2. Polanco 2b

3. Casey 1b

4. Magglio rf

5. rodriguez C

6. Thames DH

7. Monroe lf

8. Infante 3b

9 Neifi ss

and a bullpen of

Byrdak, ledezma, Grilli, Seay, Miner and Jones.

Sweep the Rangers.

Cleveland Sucks

2007-05-21T15:56:00.001-04:00

Life can't get much better. The Tigers are in first place and just finished a sweep of the Cardinals AND I just received an email that a Prince from Ethiopia is offering me over 25 million dollars for just the use of my bank account! Wow, what a rush! With all this money I can finally buy happiness. Or, the castle from the critically acclaimed movie Blank Check.

I was at the Tigers game Saturday night. Easily the most enjoyable part of the entire game was the guy sitting in front of me heckling Juan Encarnacion in right field. For those of us who remember the Encarnacion era in Detroit, there is PLENTY of material to heckle him about. Anyways, these guys' material was strictly limited to the "HEY JUAN" heckle. Literally this was the go to heckle upwards of 60 times in a nine inning game. After each time they would yell this, they would turn to each other and high five each other emphatically. It was a disaster/masterpiece depending on your appreciation of unintentional comedy.

Other then the heckling, the highlight of the game was a Sean Casey double in the gap in right center. He hit second and made the turn to go for third, before realizing if he attempted this herculean feat he would have ripped every ligament in his lower body. This sounds insignificant, but a Sean Casey triple would surpass Magglio Ordonez's ALCS HR for best moment in Comerica Park history.

The California Angels are next on the homestand. This team of crumb-bums is led by hot shot RF Vladimir Guerrero and the crafty vet Mel Clark. Who, in the deciding game of the pennant threw over 160 pitches in a complete game win. Yes, it's pretty pathetic that I have watched Angels in the Outfield twice this year when it has started after 2 am. Bonderman might be back to pitch on Thursday of this series, but it's really no biggie because we have Miller waiting in the wings if he is not well enough to pitch.

After the California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels leave town we have a series with Cleveland. It's going to be a good week to deficate on our neighbors to the south.

Also, For Love of the Game was hot garbage. I am in no way endorsing this disaster of a movie. It's on TV often, and the only scene I enjoy is when Kevin Costner destroys his hand cutting it with a saw. Then, it's off my TV.

Too Many Bellyitchers

2007-05-16T23:51:00.000-04:00

Great. Bonderman, and Zumaya are on the DL. It wouldn't shock me to hear that Adam Bernero has been called up, or that Venezuelan rebels have miraculously transported Ugie Urbina back to pitch for us. I don't know about you, but over these next couple of weeks there's a strong chance I'll develop an ulcer watching Mesatime at the end of a close game. Dr. Destroy is taking Bonderman's place on the roster, and will start on friday against St. Louis.

The Detroit's just gone with a road series in the always aesthetically pleasing Hubert H. Humphrey Dome. When I think of the Metrodome, it always for some reason reminded me of how Russia is often portrayed, cold, ugly, but efficient. I honestly can't think of anything more depressing then going to a baseball game in May and leaving 70 degree temperature to go watch baseball players play on turf under a dome that is white that makes professional baseball players look like wang-tangs as they stumble around to catch a routine pop fly. Also, the ball should never bounce over an outfielders head, ever. It’s efficient because they decided not to splurge on fences, but rather settle on giant garbage bags. Anyways the Tigers made Garrison Keillor weep as the Tigers won the first two of the series before losing by 6 safeties in the finale as vicious Virgil Vasquez was vanquished by the victorious Twins.

Tiger’s split the first two with the bostons. Tonight's game against the sawx was rained out. Doubleheader tomorrow. Regardless of the outcome, we can be certain ESPN will spend the majority their time by telling us about Robert Fick's reaction to the Roger "the rocket" Clemen's return. I honestly don't know what I want more, a Tigers championship or Clemen's to be finally proven to have taken HGH or just flame out spectacularly with the Yankees. Nothing was really more evil then announcing mid game from Steinbrenner's press box that he was coming back. Chet Steadman is the only "rocket" to me. I sincerely hope that every time Clemen's throws a pitch this year a pain shoots down his arm and a wicked guitar riff plays in his head. For the three of you who have seen Rookie of the year, that made sense.

Also, Neifi Perez had 4 RBI’s in a game earlier this year. I apologize for not devoting an entire entry just to this mind blowing feat.

Eat em' Up Tigers

2007-05-02T20:25:00.000-04:00

Magglio Ordonez is playing everygame like it's the homecoming game against Valley High. His psuedo mullet is bringing a special amount of pain this year as he was honored with the extremely prestigious AL player of the week (ALPOTW). Undoubtedly he's benefitting from Sheffield and Guillen sandwiching him in the lineup.

I know I have no authority on this at all, but everytime Rod says "proven track record" that is definitely a drink or seven. Through the first month of the season, he has uttered these magical words atleast 4x a game. This has almost made basically everyone on the teams slumps oddly enjoyable. Also, I'm pretty sure he described someones double the other day as "pimping" it. As in "Neifi Perez just pimped that ball over the center fielder's head, pahdnuh!"

Usually I wait more then a month to rip on a player, but Sean Casey has to go. Remember in simpler days of video game baseball when players were ranked 1-10 in different categories? Well, this is how I'd rank him. 0-10 for speed, 1-10 for power, 1-10 for range in the field, 8-10 for hitting lazy ground balls to the 2b, 3-10 for goatee, 2-10 for the ability to bend his knees in doing anything, 14-10 for being a "nice guy." Seriously, watching him run is uncomfortable, I'd compare it to watching a dog move with only 2 legs. Some will give the argument that he is a "career" .300 hitter. This is accurate, but this is before he apparently tore both his ACL's without telling anyone. I don't know if team ambassador is a real position, but I suggest making it for him just so we can actually take advantage of his talents. To summarize, I'd take Carlos Pena over Casey.

The Tigers have won 6 of 8 after sweeping the White Sox in a one game series and now sweeping the Baltimores. The hitting has started to come around, the bullpen has picked it up and they almost got in a brawl. Simply put, they are almost as hot as Erin the Esurance girl. Seriously, these advertisements are insane, and seriously have men questioning themselves throughout the Detroit area.

We trail Cleveland in the Central right now. Cleveland won't win the Central, because God hates Cleveland. Nothing good comes from Cleveland, it would not surprise me at all if Carlos Mencia is a native Clevelandnite.

Drink 3, Rod Allen Just Mentioned Talking to Monroe in Batting Practice

2007-04-15T18:42:00.000-04:00

I started writing this blog for the same reason that everyone else writes a blog; that is, to pick up babes. So far, that hasn't really panned out but it has allowed me to get in contact with people potentially nerdier then me that for whatever reason read this somewhat regularly. I feel that so far my coverage of this year has been "sucky" and I've been letting down the geeksquad. My reason for this, like everyone else, I was completely wrapped up in the Anna Nicole Smith baby daddy drama. I wish that this story could have lasted forever, but, it's come to an end. Thank goodness there is no other important national news like war(s) or genocides to distract me. So, the Tigers come home from a 10 game roadie with a 7-5 record.

For some unknown reason, the Tigers decided to go back to the deadball era. Our 4 normal starters have been Christy Matthewsonesque with their starts so far. Unfortunately Chad Durbin has been Nata Cornejoesque so far this season. I see him getting one more start and then future 15 game winner Wilfredo Ledezma will take his spot. You can bet on that happening.

With all the deserved hoopla going on about the celebration of the 60th anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier, I thought it would be a good day to honor someone else who made great strides for equality in major league baseball. The first major league baseball player with a vagina, AJ Pierzynski. He continues to overcome enormous obstacles in that nobody likes or has respect for him. I searched Aj Pierzynski on youtube, and not surprisingly this video http://youtube.com/watch?v=mj50-Iy2GCk is one of the first that come up. Here's another account of his douchebaggery from Bruce Jenkins who is the beat writer for the Giants gives his account of what happened when Aj fouled a ball off of his vagina.

"One of those now-it-can-be-told stories the White Sox, A.J. Pierzynski's new
employer, surely haven't heard: During a Giants exhibition game last spring,
Pierzynski took a shot to his, shall we say, private parts. Trainer Stan Conte
rushed to the scene, placed his hands on Pierzynski's shoulders in a reassuring
way, and asked how it felt. "Like this," said Pierzynski, viciously delivering a
knee to Conte's groin. It was a real test of professionalism for the enraged
Conte, who vowed to ignore Pierzynski for the rest of the season until Conte
realized how that would look. The incident went unreported because all of the
beat writers happened to be doing in-game interviews in the clubhouse, but it
was corroborated by a half-dozen eyewitnesses who could hardly believe their
eyes. Said one source, as reliable as they come: "There is absolutely no doubt
that it happened."

The Tigers head back to Comerica park for a 2 series homestand against the Missouri's own, Kansas City Royals and the cheese dicks from Chicago. At 7-5 when you've played 10 away games I'll take this record. But, it sure would be awfully neat if some of our players could hit over .150 sometime soon.

Go tigers.

Tigers vs.Those Guys That Sang Dust in the WInd

2007-04-06T18:56:00.000-04:00

Watching Magglio Ordonez in the 8th inning the other night was like watching a lost child in a mall. Lot's of confusion, lots of unnecessary movement which mercifully came to a happy conclusion. He did not receive an error that inning, but he misplayed 3 balls terribly and almost got hit in the head on the 4th ball.

I should have known he was going to have a rough go of it to start. At opening day, Magglio took RF and actually seemed kind excited to be out there. Usually, some drunk will yell at him from the bleachers and he'll turn around and just stare awkwardly into nothing...it's hard to explain, but somehow it's an awkward situation. Anyways, him and Granderson are playing catch. Ordonez obviously misses a throw from Granderson and goes to retrieve the ball. Granderson, thinking the warm up was over turned to Monroe and was talking to him. Slater, then retrieves the ball and throws a 200 foot missile that misses concussing Granderson by a foot. Needless to say, Magglio was the first Tiger booed in 2007.

The Tigers are 1-1. In actuality they were the better team opening day, and a worse team the second game that they won. The third game, both teams decided to sip hot cocoa and skip the game the game altogether.

We now travel to a unanimous top 5 choice for least interesting state, Kansas. They are from Kansas city, and their nickname is the Royals. That is dumb. KC is one of the most consistent teams in all of baseball. Over the last decade, every aspect of their team has been consistently lousy. Mike Sweeney is their "MVP," but, if I was a betting man I'd wager that he'll miss 110 games atleast with cramps or something stupid.

In some overlooked news, Guillen signed a 4 year contract to stay a Tiger. We probably paid him less then he wanted but did give him 4 years. This is good news, mostly because he's been our most consistent player the last couple of years, and less importantly my sleazy all-star Guillen jersey is still relevant and does not need to be retired.

Opening Day Haiku 2

2007-03-29T16:24:00.000-04:00

Detroit dreams again

Crush foes Urbina style

Old man stench supreme

To me, Opening day is like Christmas morning, a snow day, the first weekend of the NCAA tournament all wrapped up in a pizza. In the past, it was the kickoff of basically a 6 month slaughter, but not this year. This is easily the most anticipated opening day in the last 15 years. Seriously, the Tigers are going to celebrate winning the American League title last year. That is stupid good.

Anyways, in potentially Ultimate Warrior gorilla slamming bad news, Kenny Rogers is on the DL with arm trouble and will miss his first start. Supposedly it's just "arm fatigue. I'm pretty sure I've had arm fatigue since 7th grade baseball. So, hopefully this doesn't minimize his effectiveness for the next decade like it has me. He's supposed to miss one start and Rad Chad Durbin will fill in.

A while ago I posted what I thought the opening day lineup should look like and what Leyland's will probably look like. For some reason I was able to guess that Pudge would be lead off. Which, he will be against lefties. Hopefully the excess steroids in his system have worn off and he won't go all Willie Mayes Hayes in Major League 2 on us.

Probably you have heard this already, but ex-tiger Ugie Urbina (UUU) was sentenced to 14 years in Venezuelan jail. I've never experienced Venezuelan jail before, but I imagine that is approximately equal to 2 to 3 times that sentence here. So, if you were debating if it was worth it to attack someone with a machete and pour gasoline on them, just be aware of the potential consequences. Use words, not machetes. Remember that phrase next time you are in a disagreement.

Ozzie Guillen is a douchebag. You can read about it here: http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070329/SPORTS0104/703290400&imw=Y

The highlight is when he farts out of his mouth about Leyland "Is he a great manager? Hell, no." Well, no one likes Ozzie and it's cute how once every couple of months he draws attention to himself. Usually with some homophobic slur or when he cuts a pitcher for missing throwing a beanball. He's becoming very Wolf "the Dentist" Stansson esque with his hate. Remember, Jium Leyland wears his cleats in the dugout.

Alright, Monday is opening day. Obviously, I'm going to hop on my jet and get back to Detroit and I'll be there. For those with class/work/scrabble tournaments, just kindly avoid those on monday. Seriously, for all 7 of you read this, don't pull an Urbina and miss out on Opening day.

20,160 Minutes Until Opening Day 2007

2007-03-19T20:46:00.000-04:00

The Tigers are so hot right now; it's as if their genitials were smeared with copious amounts of AXE body spray because everyone is on our nuts right now. Last year, the most optimistic of sports writers predicted a .500 season. Except of course for Rod Allen who apparently saw all this coming and predicted a division championship. Many journalists with national respect rivaling mine have predicted 90+ wins, division, league, world, galaxy championships for the upcoming season. Some say we are expected to have a top 3 pitching staff, top 3 outfield, a top 5 lineup, and be top 1 in bandwagon fans next year.

A division championship isn't that wild to comprehend next year. The Twins are likely without Liriano for the entire year. The Royals, well, they are still excited about their fountains in the outfield and will likely not show up again this year. The Indians might be good, but they are also from Cleveland which celebrates a rich history of suck. The White Sox, well, I just plain hate them. That alone is worth -10 games in the standings. I'm not saying the Tigers will win the division, because so many things have to go your way for that to happen. And last year, everything did go right. So, I guess what I'm saying is it's in the realm of possibility.

The starting rotation is set. Bonderman, Rogers, Robertson, Verlander, Maroth. It's pretty stupid to think how far we've come in one year with this same rotation. So, I'm not even going to think about it. Bonderman get's the nod on opening day against the Blue Jays. Honestly, the Blue Jays? It's like they weren't even trying to come up with a cool name, they were just sitting around looking out a window and made a pact to choose the first thing they saw. They were probably pissed that they saw a Blue Jay first, but, they made a pact.

The Tigers single A affiliate, the Lakeland Tigers are no more. They changed their name to the Lakeland Flying Tigers. A couple people have asked me what a flying tiger is. Obviously, it's a tiger with wings, dumbass. Why the name change? Obviously, someone in Lakeland made a pact to change their team name to the first thing they saw when they looked outside their window.

504 Hours Until Opening Day

2007-03-12T02:50:00.000-04:00

The Tigers and Bawstan Red Sawks nearly came to blows after Todd Jones torpedeod a fastball presumably speeding in excess of 80 MPH behind Jamie Diana Drew's back. The Boston's must have been seriously PMSing because they took exception to this and the benches cleared. Beckett earlier in the game hit Sheffield in the arm with a fastball causing him to laugh sarcastically and question Beckett if his favorite movie was a A League of their own. Later Beckett hit Magglio in the head, luckily his brain cushioned the blow. In response Leyland probably stood extremely close to some members of the Boston's and breathed closely on them tormenting them with the patented old man stink.

The Tigers have been involved in a couple of injury scares recently. Luckily all have turned out to be minor and we are in pretty good shape. When Slater took that Beckett curveball to the head he went to the hospital. The damage was major in that it caused a bad hair day for AC, but he is fine. Pedro Cerrano (monroe) hurt his knee attempting to rob a HR. What a doofus. But, that seems to be fine.

In 3 weeks it is opening day. I've already laid out my clothes on my floor. I think I'm not going to sleep until April 2nd. No, that's stupid, I'll definitely sleep.

use these to get butt-pysched
post-game Tigers/Yankees celebration http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OVui5LawY8
'84 WDIV intro http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3e7fuyMY98&NR
Magglio HR from LF http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZIztPkX3Dw&mode=related&search=

Tigers Ready to Make It Rain On Florida Southern

2007-02-26T22:12:00.000-05:00

Tigers have a game tomorrow. No, really. Florida Southern travels to the madhouse that is Joker Marchant Stadium for a crucial early season battle. The Tigers are starting Virgil Vasquez. I really can't tell you much about him, but his name is Virgil, so he's already a couple steps ahead of all of us. We have 7 pitchers scheduled to bring that hot fire tomorrow, most notably Kyle Sleeth and Jair Jurrjens. Sleeth has had a bum arm since being drafted in the 1st round a couple years ago, but supposively has looked good so far in spring.

My favorite thing about spring training is the articles that come out. The vast majority of these articles are these super optimistic fluff pieces that make you think it's impossible for your team to win anything less then 140 games in the upcoming year. If you remember, last year at this time we were bombarded with constant articles proclaiming meathook's new svelt and magnifique physique. Then, he was in rehab.

This year we are treated to Granderson correcting his strikeout issues, Sheffield becoming insta-bff's with the entire organization and my favorite, Bonderman developing a change up. These articles get me all hot and bothered. They are sexy as hell but do not mean a thing until april 2nd. After taking a cold shower and coming to grips, it's best to realize that when there are no games going on, nothing of any consequence is going on.

In some depressing news, "Go Get em' Tigers" will be no more. Apparently the Tigers team felt the song was a downer and ruined their high after winning a big game. So, I feel it is this blogs duty to find a replacement. First song that immediately came to my mind was Wreckxs n effects epic "Rumpshaker." After Neifi hits the walkoff HR, I'd love to see a group of hunnies take the field with saxophones of course and seranade the victorious Tigers properly. I'm open to other suggestions though.

34 days until opening day

Hallelujah Hollaback! Pitchers and Catchers Report

2007-02-14T21:36:00.000-05:00

First off, I'd like to apologize to my loyal readers. I've been really busy these past couple of weeks with video games and tv thus not allowing me to update as frequently as I should. Readers, I think you are comcastic. I really do.

Just like today is a made up holiday, so is tomorrow. Tomorrow pitchers and catchers report. I need to let that sink in a little bit. I'm getting a little verklempt over here imagining that this bastard season of winter might finally be coming to an end. If you have actually been reading other articles about the Tigers and not just mine, then shame on you. But, then you'd know that much of the team has been in Lakeland for weeks preparing dilligently for that Southern Florida slaughter.

There's been a nasty rumor going around that the Tigers are in the running for Juan Gonzalez. It's not happening, no way. I'm convinced it's not going to happen because i so much want it to not happen and that should be good enough. If anyone brings it up around me again, be prepared for a man-slap to the face. It's that serious. Also, it sounds like dmitri young is going to take himself and hopefully the Ying Yang Twins whisper song to the Nationals to cause 30,000 people to feel awkward.

With Tiger spring training sort of kicking off tomorrow, I’ve been preparing by listening to healthy dosage of jock jams and bench pressing anything resembles something that might be heavy. Really, nothing really notable has happened in the past couple of weeks, but that will likely change soon. So, just twiddle your thumbs in anticipation until then.

The baseball gods will be here soon enough to rescue us all.

46 days until opening day

I Hate The Florida Southern Moccasins

2007-01-28T17:17:00.000-05:00

Do you remember when the world was gripped with macarena fever? No matter what your background was, it was unanimous, the macarena dance was cutting edge and it was fantastic. That summer everyone walked around with a hop in their step knowing that literally at any time their favorite song could play. That summer was electric.

I'm starting to get that feeling again. In 18 days, pitchers and catchers report. That's right, the roaster, Jay-z and vance "danger" wilson will be back. This make me so excited that I started taking steroids just so I can rage with the best of them come opening day. In 30 day's we have our first game. The schedule makers didn't take it easy on us ONCE AGAIN as we start up against the hated moccassin's from Florida Southern again. Top Slugger Nick Diyorio has graduated for the Moc's but the workhorse Dan Albritton returns for his senior season. The Moccasins (#4 pre-season DII) have a relatively young team but head coach Pete Meyer expects the hard work in the off-season to pay off. When I reached Meyer for comment he repeatedly asked how I got his cell phone number and how I knew his wife’s name. He sounded petrified. This match-up with the AL champions really has him unnerved.

Fox Sports is also bringing Christmas early/late this year. They are going to replay in their entirety the 7 straight wins over the New York Kim Jong-Il’s and the Frank Thomas led Oakland A’s. Frank Thomas was a force to be reckoned with in that ALCS. So, check your TV guide channel for viewing details. Usually, it’s channel 16. I’m fairly certain that’s what it will be for you.

Last thing, Sheffield is going to wear #3 for the Tigers. You’d think this would upset me, being that Trammell is one of my favorite Tiger’s of all-time, but it doesn’t. I don’t know why, I feel like this is the trivial BS that usually sets me off. I guess I just don’t have the energy for this right now. Maybe when it’s warmer out, or something. Sheffield said he’s wearing the #3 as tribute to Trammell, yadda yadda yadda, I don’t believe him, but I guess I just don’t care for some reason. Oh well.

63 days until opening day.

Oh, and I apologize for the extremely poor comparison I used at the beginning. I just felt like we hadn't talked about the macarena in a while.

Deep Thoughts

2007-01-15T16:54:00.000-05:00

A legendary Tiger from the glory years of my youth

I've been sitting in my 56 degree cubicle of a room repeatedly watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYgDjH5buFE&mode=related&search= while slowly rocking back and forth as i progressively slip deeper into lunacy. Even though the Tigers made the World Series, I still am not close to grasping that this actually happened. All of my Tigers memories usually involve guys like C.J. Nitkowski or other stand outs like Kimera Bartee or the Luis Pujols era.

I remember as a kid I went to Cooperstown. I went to the Cooperstown bat manufacturing company. I had an authentic wooden bat made. I kept it in a case and vowed only to let legendary Tigers sign it. At first, I did an admirable job. I think I got Allan Trammell, Mickey Lolich and Kirk Gibson's autographs on it. I was very proud of this bat. That is until that fateful Tigerfest in 1995. Even though I was only 11, I must have been huffing some glue that day or something. Right on the barrel of the bat I got two autographs that day. One was lifetime .260 hitter Chris Gomez and the other was John Doherty who came through with a 5-9 record with a miniscule 5.10 ERA that year. I'm pretty sure I was with my dad at that fateful Tigerfest that took place in Joe Louis Arena. To this day, I hold a little bit of grudge against him for not beating me that day.

This is a happier memory. I'm in 3rd grade, and I'm in latchkey. It's the 2nd game of the season and the Tigers are taking on the Baltimore Orioles. About 20 of us are sitting in centerfield bleachers enjoying this game with about 8,000 other Tiger fans that were scattered throughout Tiger stadium. There was one other group of people in the CF bleachers that day. Luckily for us, they were a group of college students who had probably had one or two too many wine coolers that day. I realize what I'm about to say doesn't sound believable, but I swear it's all true. About halfway through this game it started raining. There was love in the air in this smoggy day in Detroit. These girls treated us to a striptease in the CF bleachers. These were the first bewbs that I will have seen in my life. I know probably that like 3 out of my 5 readers are calling BS on this. The reason the other two aren't, is because they can probably back me up on this. Also, the Tigers won this game in the bottom of the 9th inning. With 1 out and a runner on 3rd they attempted to intentionally walk the batter to set up the DP. The Orioles doofus pitcher threw a wild pitch on an intentional ball allowing the winning run to score. Easily the best day of latchkey in my life. Yes, even better then the day chocolate cake was snack.

Nothing of any importance has happened with the Tigers since the Tigers shook the baseball world to its core with the Mesa signing. I’m seriously debating if hibernation is a feasible option, it’s become that bad.

77 days until opening day.

Extremely Unnecesary 2007 Predictions

2007-01-04T15:05:00.000-05:00

Nothing like a holiday season full of clouds and grass to get you so jazzed up for Tiger baseball that if you saw someone walking down the street wearing an AL Central hat other then the Tigers, without hesitation you'd uppercut that poor sap off of the pit into the spikes below. One of the presents I got was a "Detroit Tigers Baseball Champions 2006" shirt from my sick and twisted mother. I can't tell if I did something wrong here, and this is just my mom taking some sick pleasure in watching her son progressively drift into the depths of his own madness. But, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that "Baseball Champions" means something different then "World Series Champions." Which, to her credit, there is no doubt that we are indeed the baseball champions.

Well, it's 2007. That was news to me, because, I thought it was already 2k7. I've been playing 2007 videogames since like May, and I don't currently own a calendar nor look at one, ever. So, that means it's time for extremely unnecessary 2007 player by player predictions.

The bellyitchers:
1. Kenny "Dirrrty" Rogers- 4.30 ERA, 14 wins, and will at some point bitch-slap a homeless toddler. But, will be huge for the post-season
2. Justin Verlander-3.85 ERA, 18 wins. For some reason people think it's a given that in the 2nd year a pitcher has to have a down-turn. Since I'm not really basing these predictions on anything, I'll disagree.
3. Bonderman- 3.50 ERA, 22 wins. The year he finally put's it all together. 2nd to Santana in Cy-young, first in the hearts of hillbilly women who swoon after his yokel personality.
4. Robertson- 4.00 ERA, 15 wins. The team actually hit's for him this year and he continues to wear the sexy specs.
5. DR DESTROYER- 3.40 ERA, 12 wins. I see Andrew Miller starting at 5, if not, receiving the majority of the time there. He'll garner much recognition for possible AL ROY and also much recognition for "worst nickname ever."

The magic sticks
1. Granderson- .270, 75 Rbi's, 23 Hr's. Still will not know how to hit a curveball, and I will punch 3 people during the year who tell me they are amazed how "well spoken" Granderson is. 2k8 (2k9 if you are in videogame time) he will break out.
2. Polanco- .285, 55 RBI's, 5 Hr's. His OBP% last year was terrible, and he hits for no power. Which, is probably due to the excess head weight he carries around. This year, he'll be better, but not by much
3. Guillen- .305, 15, 95 Rbi's. Not as strong offensively, but will put up more RBI's then last year with the lineup around him. Still will be a top 3 SS in the league.
4. Sheff- .315, 35 HR's, 120 RBI's. I'm drinking the GaryAde. I think he's going to do big things this year. A top 5 MVP season, and might kill 4 people with foul balls down the LF line
5. Ordonez- .310, 30 HR's, 110 RBI's. Will see much better pitches and be a much better player getting more time at DH. Will cut hair, and female fans will move on to Shelton.
6. Monroe- .280, 30 HR's, 100 RBI's. He'll benefit from seeing better pitches. There was talk we should trade him this off-season. Balderdash. He's literally my favorite belt thief of all-time.
7. Rodriquez- .290, 15, 75 RBI's. Basically the same as last year, unless he starts taking steroids again. Let's just pray that he sacrifices his livelihood for baseball again.
8. Casey- .265, 10 Hr's, 50 RBI's. From the beginning will be talk of taking him out of the lineup. Will then become full-time "good clubhouse guy." Last time I was mad at him, he hit 2 HR's in the World Series. He should probably just play well now.
9. Inge- .260, 25 HR's, 80 RBI's. Will field 30 ball's that no other 3b can field in the league. Will make an errors on 30 ball's that no other 3b in the league would make an error on. Strong power #'s, weak average, OBP. A solid #9 hitter.
10. Neifi Perez- .046, 0 Hr's, 3 Rbi's. He'll amass these stats in 115 games. A part of me will die whenever he takes the field.

What does this all mean? It means I was bored in January. Tough noogies.

POST SCRIPT- Gomez is a Rockie. Not a Tiger anymore.

88 days until opening day.

A Delightful Christmas Story

2006-12-18T23:39:00.000-05:00

It's almost 2007 already?! Wow, I can really thank these Detroit Lions for providing a worthy distraction to the lack of baseball. Their inspiring march to the worst record almost made me forget about the Tigers news that shook earth to its core, yes, the Tigers signed all-around class act Jose Mesa! Mesa, most famous for being old, crotchety and an average pitcher joins the Tigers bullpen.

Literally one of my favorite stories in baseball in the last decade has been the Mesa/Omar Vizquel feud. In Vizquel's masterful epic, "Omar! My Life On and Off the Field," he blames Mesa for losing the world series to the Marlin's. Yikes. This slightly perturbed Mesa and he has stated publicly that "he wants to kill him" multiple times. Omar, the D-bag author extraordinaire responded "I don't know if that's really what he meant when he said that," "Sometimes we would say in Spanish, 'I'm gonna kill you.' But in the translation, that's not really what we meant." Well, that seems somewhat plausible, unfortunately, Mesa was serious.

It's a shame that the public demand alone literally made it impossible for Omar Vizquel not to write this autobiography. Since the book, Mesa has vowed to hit Vizquel everytime...and he has, all 3 times they've met. "I will not forgive him. Even my little boy (Jose Jr.) told me to get him. If I face him 10 more times, I'll hit him 10 times. I want to kill him." Asked later if he'd accept an apologo from Vizquel, Mesa responded with "If he comes to apologize, I will punch him right in the face. And then I'll kill him.” I love that he makes it clear before "killing him" that he intends to punch him in the face first. Mesa also has been accused of rape, for testing out his umm, uhh his split finger grip on an unsuspecting female he was wooing.

Since this little episode, Mesa has gone on for many years of mediocrity, luckily we signed him for cheap and only one year. He'll likely take time away from Grilli in the bullpen and add a notable old man stench to the pitching staff.

The mysterious wrist injury that caused Zumaya to miss time during the ALCS was finally solved. Guitar Hero 2 for the Playstation was the culprit in this instance. Yes, our most dominant pitcher missed the ALCS because he was playing the video game guitar too hard. Well, at first admittedly I thought that his acting debut in those Comcast high speed internet commercials were the reason. Without going into detail...I just thought he might have enjoyed his high speed internet...a bit too much. Sadly, his reason for missing the ALCS might actually be more pathetic then that.

In super-fantastically awesome news, the Tigers reached a 4 year agreement with Bonderman for 38 million. This is actually less then I thought he'd get, but maybe he just really enjoys making snowmen.

104 days until opening day.

12/5, Obscure Ex-Tiger of the day

2006-12-05T21:19:00.000-05:00

The Detroit Tigers shocked the baseball world bringing in this sure-fire 1st ballot Canadian hall of famer to spark a run into the post-season in 2006. His rugged good looks and looping lefty uppercut swing swooned the hearts of many a lady in Detroit, but the Tigers decided not to bring Matt back. His 14 game stint produced immediate dividends as he hit a robust .244 with 3 HR's. Actually, his dramatic homerun in bottom of the 8th inning against the Royals on the last day of the season looked as if it would win us a division. But, the Royals were just too good.

Matt finished #17 in the AL balloting for MVP in 1999, but, to anyone who knows this gentle giant, he easily finished #1 in our hearts. I don't know if another stint with an MLB team in his future, if not, I always thought he'd make an excellent lumberjack. Feel free to share your true, or untrue stories of the certified beefcake.

Finally...it's here. The much ballyhooed ROD ALLEN CHARGING THE MOUND VIDEO HAS BEEN FOUND. Go here, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw8iF9Zxaz0

If you are still playing the Rod Allen drinking game, even though it's the off-season...this clip calls for you to drive to the nearest state that sells Everclear and down this bottle quickly as possible. After every shot, yell your favorite "Rodism" as loudly and as slurred as possible. Also, the fact that this video sounds like it's from the Japanese equivalent of America's Funniest Home Video's actually adds to the enjoyment value immensely.

Alright, now on to actual Tiger news. As any person with a pulse can tell you, the WINTER MEETINGS are going on right now. The only way I can rationally explain the importance of these meetings is by saying that they are "the superbowl of the MLB off-season," which, in essence, makes it mostly meaningless. The Tigers are thought to involved in some potential trades. The two biggest names being thrown around are Craig Monroe and Mike Maroth. Considering I hear about 10 halfbaked Tigers rumors a day, I doubt anything will happen.

117 days until opening day

Single A Champions

2006-11-28T17:48:00.000-05:00

It’s the last week of November, get out the tequila, you know what time it is! What's that you screamed at your computer screen? Yep, you nailed it, the release of the annual ranking of baseball prospects!

No real surprises here in the Tigers top 5. Cameron "megajesus" Maybin top's the list followed by the good doctor, Andrew Miller. Brent Clevlen comes in at 3rd. And, I'm sure all of 4 of my readers are extremely upset with me that I didn't include a "Clevlen Rocks!" joke here. I'd apologize, but I really wouldn’t mean it. That show made me upset. This just reminded me how much I hated Whose line is it anyway?....Serenity now... My main man Jair "mcnair" Jurrjens is #4 with Jordan "the hata" Tata rounding out the top 5.

If I had to place a value on a 1-10 scale of each of how important these prospects are to the Tigers organization, this is how I’d do it. Tata-7, Jurrjens-8, Clevlen-7, Miller-9.5 and finally Maybin I’d give a 14.

In other random news, Sheffield continues to brag about giving noogies to Abreu in the Yankee’s lockeroom, and Casey is back for another year. You’d really think that signing a 1^st baseman would emit a reaction from me, but I’m amazingly numb to this whole thing. Casey was a wang-tang disappointment for the season, but he really was the only good player on the Tigers this World Series. Besides Rogers, who pitched with pine tar on his hand which the media basically equated to pushing elderly women down flights of stairs.

Going into this off-season, I really would not have been opposed to moving Guillen to 1^st and picking up a 3B and moving Inge to SS. The production Guillen gives you at SS is pretty sexy, but the amount of errors he committed were bogus and I worry about his range with his knee. With him at 1B, this really isn’t a concern whatsoever. Inge has terrific range at 3B, but the SS has more balls hit to him so it might be prudent to take advantage of his range and arm strength and move him to SS. Plus, Inge’s #’s are pretty sub-par for a 3B. There are many upgrades available. At SS, his .253 average and 27 Hr’s still make for a pretty above average SS. Well, maybe next year. Guillen is solid fundamentally, and he was healthy all of last year, so I look for some improvement to his consistency.

It’s the end of November, so I feel it is now safe to assume that the Tigers roster will remain completely unchanged in the next 5 months. So, I feel it’s the perfect time to introduce the starting lineup if I were manager.

1. Granderson
2. Polanco
3. Guillen
4. Sheffield
5. Ordonez
6. Rodriguez
7. Monroe
8. Casey
9. Inge

My projected Leyland lineup. Logically it makes zero sense. But this seems to be how his twisted brain works.

1. Rodriguez
2. Monroe
3. Sheffield
4. Casey
5. Ordonez
6. Granderson
7. Guillen
8. Polanco
9. Inge

Sadly, this is the kind of nonsense that I doodle during all of the expensive classes I go to. Yes, I create hypothetical lineups and I draw pictures of me on the Tigers robbing homeruns in center field. Don’t judge.

Buck up, 124 days until opening day and 92 days until we mervin the Phillies.

Tigers Acquire Pedro Cerrano

2006-11-15T20:41:00.000-05:00

When I found out the Tigers traded for Gary Sheffield I ran around the house in a frenzy. The only way I can describe it would be comparing it to the Ultimate Warrior running into the ring and annihilating Randy Savage and then doing the legendary Warrior Spaz out in the middle of the ring. In a sense, Sheffield reminds of the Ultimate Warrior. Both have been accused of steroids and both are at their absolute best when you make them angry.

The Sheffield batting stance bat wiggle has scared me shitless for the last 14 years of my life. It has also inspired little league baseball players across the nation to have absolutely horrific batting stances. This trade provides us with arguably a top 10 hitter that is universally feared to bat in the middle of our line up. In his last 3 healthy seasons he hit no worse then .290, 121 Rbi's and 34 Hr's. Wa wa wi wa! He also provides a rock in the middle of the lineup that is patient at the plate and finished in the top 10 in MVP voting in his last 3 years. His injury was completely fluky last year, and he has been cleared to be healthy going into next year. If you remember during game 4 he hit 4th in the "most feared lineup of all-time" for the Yankees.

A lot of haters have been upset with who we gave up for Sheffield. We gave up arguably our best pitching prospect not named Andrew Miller in Humberto Sanchez and also gave up two single A pitchers most notably Kevin Whelan. If you are a goober like me, you'll remember Sanchez had arm trouble last year and was unable to finish the year. Also, he is a large man and some doubt that with his chunkiness he'd ever be healthy for an entire year. He is a great talent, no doubt, but a) he's unreliable right now and b) there's a 99.5% he won't play in Detroit next year. Also, as long-time depressed Tiger fans we've really only been able to be excited about our prospects in the last decade. We over value them way too much. Unless you started being a Tigers fan last year, you have no idea how many prospects failed miserably. Everyone isn't Zumaya or Verlander.

Our lineup is getting pretty fogeyish; the time to win is now. We traded ZERO major league players and added Sheffield. His presence in the middle of the lineup should allow all of our players to see better pitches and should help us out top to bottom. With Jair Jurrgens, Tata and Miller providing depth, we will be alright.

Verlander won ROY, Leyland won coach of the year. In other news, water is still wet.

Smoke on the Walker is most likely to be an Oriole in the next couple of days, and the Tigers are rumored to be involved with many potential free agents/trades. People actually being somewhat excited to play in Detroit for the first time in my lifetime is literally setting this up to be one of the more sexy off seasons of our lifetime.

Here is your bonus for reading all of this mindless dribble. http://youtube.com/watch?v=SNEd4KH_A4s

136 days until opening day.

2ND PLACE!

2006-11-06T17:54:00.000-05:00

First off let me apologize personally to all my loyal readers, all 7 of you. I know after the World Series ended you've been on this website refreshing it every 5 minutes only for my drab, depressing World Series preview to pop up. Well, good news, I'm done pouting and ready to accept reality.

After punching a hole in a wall in my house after game 4 and literally almost having man tears come down my face as I was dressed as Master Splinter during a Halloween party at my house during game 5...I feel like I'm almost ready to embrace the off-season. Almost. First off, I want to give a hearty wag of the finger to the Tiger's World Series performance. It's incredibly bittersweet that the Tigers played their two worst weeks of baseball during the last week of the regular season and the World Series which cost us a division and world championship. 5 errors in 5 games by the pitchers. I felt like my heart got mcgahee'd. This was simply one of the stupidest championship performances I've ever seen.

Now, that I've once again needlessly depressed myself yet again, I'm starting to twitch uncontrollably at the thought of 2007. Our pitching should be as good if not better then this year. With Don Slaught "wanting to spend time with his family," hopefully Leon Durham will be promoted and we can learn one of the basic rules of baseball, that is taking a pitch and swinging at the pitch you want and not being at the mercy of the pitcher every game. One of the most important off-season moves was already made, and that was re-signing Dombrowski to a 4 year extension. Even though I still might want to judo chop him for the 2003 season, he has proven that he is one of the elite GM's in all of baseball. I mean, we traded an attempted ax murderer for the future ALCS MVP. That's smarts.

This off-season is going to be to be sexy. So far, we've been rumored to be acquiring Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Carlos Lee, Alfonso Soriano, Frank Thomas, Adam Dunn, Aramis Ramirez, Mark Teixeira just to name a few. We are also rumored to be trading everyone not named Zumaya, Verlander and Guillen. So, this might actually be interesting.

146 days until opening day, Go Tigers.

World Series Haiku

2006-10-20T20:50:00.000-04:00

Tigers Win Pennant
Leyland Shits Solid Gold Bricks
Eat Em' Up Tigers

When

North Korea

was testing their nuclear weapons last week, I was furious that a potential nuclear holocaust could potentially screw up my watching of the Tigers in the first world series of my lifetime. Does this make me wrong, for sure. But this best of 7 series of baseball that starts tomorrow is more important then nuclear war. Also, I was alive during the 1984 world series but I was only 40 or so days old at the time. I'd like to think that my birth served to rally those Tigers for their pennant and post season run. So, I was in a sense, a rally baby.

As I predicted, Detroit swept Oakland to win the American League Pennant. When Slater hit that ball 650 ft. to win the ALCS I am almost certain vital internal organs spontaneously combusted. I didn't care though, if it takes a new spleen for the Tigers to play for the World Series that is an easy trade-off. I did have a bottle of champagne sprayed into my face and then poured on my head. It's true; the champagne does sting the eyes quite a bit. Also, the way to tell I am actually a full fledged dweeb is my ring tone for my cell phone is Dan Dickerson’s call of the walk-off homerun.

Nelly's St. Louis Cardinals travel to the Bank for game 1 tomorrow. These teams played each other in June, or something, and the Tigers swept. I was at I think 2 out of 3 of these games and I distinctly remember sitting in deep right field fully knowing that I was watching a preview of the upcoming World Series. I wasn't able to get tickets to the World Series, but this is ok. Starting last Monday at 10 am until this minute I've probably spent 10 hours on Ticketmaster typing in those scribbly passwords. If I ever meet the Ticketmaster in real life, I'd have no hesitation of beating him to a bloody pulp with my Detroit Tigers commemorative American League champions bat. Breathe in, breathe out. SERENITY NOW. I wish somehow to get World Series tickets you would have to register how many games you went to during the 2003 season. All of these fans who just joined in this year, that's fine, I'm happy you are here, but you have my world series ticket. It's just that simple.

Obviously, Jeff Weaver and Juan Encarnacion play an integral role on this Cardinals team. Dream Weaver is slated to start game 2 where I'm sure he will receive an incredible ovation by the Detroit faithful and Encarnacion provides protection behind Pujols. CY Young candidate Anthony Reyes starts game 1 for the Lunatics against Verlander. This is literally the most important thing ever, so, why not start Anthony Reyes in game 1.

Go Tigers.

TIGERS CRAP ON YANKEE'S HEARTS

2006-10-10T02:12:00.000-04:00

"Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh."

The Tigers play Oakland in the ALCS after pantsing the yankee's and there 5.6 billion dollar annual salary. Because I feel so lowly about my reader's IQ level the only way I can truly convey to you how evil the yankee's are is compare them to King Bowsers Kids.

Wendy O. Koopa is Derek Jeter. Game 2 was cancelled solely based on the purpose that the rain would have made Jeter's mascara run. Jason Giambi is Iggy Koopa. This wacked out roid rager was benched for game 4. Bobby Abreu is Ludwig Von Koopa. C'mon, they look exactly alike. A-rod is Roy Koopa. As you can tell, this Koopa has style, but he is just an average crumb-bum that mario easily conquers. Morton Koopa Jr is gary sheffield. If baseball games were won by how strongly you shake your bat pre-pitch then he'd be undefeated. Obviously, this isn't how baseball is won, but he is a terrific 1st basemen. Larry koopa is whore-hay posada. Just a mediocre koopa, just like posada would be considered a mediocre catcher if he didn't play for the yankees. Lemmy Koopa is Johnny Damon. Just like Lemmy Koopa, Damon is wicked bad.

I'm pretty sure the main reason we won this series is Johnny Damon. This fuckwad and his curtain call in the 4th inning of game 2 literally pissed god off so much that he gave joel zumaya super powers to humiliate "the greatest line-up of all-time." If I hear that one more time I'll puke up a lung, I swear. Rogers and Bonderman then obviously gave up a combined 2 runs in 2 games against a lineup with all all-stars. I bought my tickets to game 3 a long time ago and was able to attend game 4 due to the generosity of my reader of the week, Danny Wilson. Wilson, for your great act, I’ll be sending you out a Gene Kingsale autographed baseball and a lovely dinette set.

Also, the celebration after game 4 was the coolest thing I think I've ever seen and totally necessary.

Anyways, on to the ALCS foe OAKLAND. I've been struggling to come up with a reason to truly despise this team. At first, I was going to use the angle that we could crush ex-tiger Hiram Bocachica’s heart, but admittedly that was weak...until, I stumbled upon this steaming pile at http://www.mlbmascots.com/athletics.htm .

“Stomper is the mascot of the Oakland Athletics, a Major League Baseball club. It is an elephant wearing A’s jersey of the number 00. The baseball season is long and Stomper prepares himself to stay fit. As he is the only elephant in the weight room and the only pampered sweet creature, he teases the players with his cute remarks. Before each game, he rides around the field in a little red car “Boogie Buggy” while a song from The Jungle Book movie soundtrack is played.”

I cry thinking about the imbecile who wrote this. Mascot’s generally don’t mean anything, but this is…just…terrible. Stomper actually does make Sir Slam A lot (old pistons mascot) look like royalty. If I ever run into Stomper, I’ll spit at him. He disgusts me.

Tigers in 4. Go Tigers.

Tigers introduce Yankees to the AL DEEZ NUTZ

2006-10-02T17:16:00.000-04:00

I don't really want to talk about that epic choke job by the tigers anymore. In my opinion, it was 10 times worse then getting mugged in Huntington woods. I'm getting violently ill just thinking about it. Let's talk ALDS, Det./NY(A).

Detroit Tigers vs. the New York baby killers. It doesn't really get any better then this, ever. Seriously, Tigers vs. kitten beaters, this will be the pinnacle of your life. After this series, we might as well all just wilt away and lie in the fetal position and reminisce about this epic series between the tigers and the New York mark Foley’s. Here are an extremely poor in depth analysis of the tigers upcoming 3 game sweep.

GAME 1. Robertson/wang.
Ok, this Yankee’s team is good, but if your #1 pitcher in the post season is named Wang, I'm not terribly scared. And, I'll laugh every time joe buck says something like "all Yankee’s want Wang in the ass." Anyway's, Tigers win 1-0 on an alexis gomez homerun in the top of the 9th. George the animal Steinbrenner's head explodes. The world rejoices.

GAME 2. Verlander/mussina.
He's nicknamed after a moose. That is dumb. Anyway's, Verlander win's the game and then sleeps with all of the Yankee’s wives/husbands after the game. Because, that's what he does. Tigers beat the New York Slobodan Milosevic lovers 14-0.

GAME 3. Rogers/Johnson.
I could make a cheap joke about his last name being "Johnson," so I will. I will laugh every time Joe bucks say's "Jeter and A-rod love johnson, and I mean they want wang up the ass." Tiger's win 11-0. This is the game I'll be at. I'll be the guy harassing matsui in Japanese all game.

Here's a funny Matsui tidbit I stumbled upon recently. It also put's a whole new twist on his broken wrist injury.

"Of course, he likes to watch his much vaunted porno collection, tapes that he often trades with Japanese reporters. As one Japanese journalist put it, describing Matsui's affinity for such unique Japanese cultural institutions like the no-panties shabu-shabu in Japan, "Matsui is a horny guy. All of us are horny, more or less. But Matsui doesn't attempt to hide the fact." Yet another win for the Japanese Everyman."

Seriously, there is no shortage of material why you should hate the Yankees. They are all despicable excuses of human beings and their black hearts produce carbon dioxide that is ripping apart our ozone. Yes, the yankees are the root cause of global warming. Also, the 200+ million $ yankee's players make is all used to fund terrorism.

Go tigers, save America.

YOU SCARED!? Tigers in the playoffs

2006-09-29T19:32:00.000-04:00

If you are anything like me, you've locked yourself in a room and have been blaring "the final countdown" on volume 11, while playing with your jim leyland homemade doll that you made out of playdough in anticipation for the final weekend of regular season baseball. Hopefully, for your sake, you are not like me. But in my conscious life I've never been alive to appreciate the enormity of what is going on. The best way I can describe this final weekend is 9/11, aids, and the plague all mixed together in a bowl, and then blown up with a nuclear bomb and then you get the importance of this series with the royals.

As you know, the tiggers and twins are tied. we hold the tie breaker. We need to at least match their record for home field advantage in the 1st round. This is of uber importance to me because I was ticketmaster's bitch and was there at 10 am and sold my soul for standing room tickets to game 1. If the Tigers hold on, the game is Tuesday....the same day as one of my tests. Being the scholar student that I am, I told my teacher flat out that I couldn't make the test and put myself on her mercy. The test was only worth 30% of my final grade...so it was definitely worth it. Thank god my charming wit and electrifying good looks melted her heart and she told me I could go to game 1. What a prof!

Anyways, the tigers clinched a playoff spot in KC the other day. They held a "low key" 220 bottles of champagne celebration. This pretty much was one of the top 5 moments of my life. Remembering this celebration, I'm a little verklempt right now. Give me a second. Talk amongst yourselves ... There I feel better. Todd Jones crying. it had it all. This might be crazy talk, but in my opinion, the tigers should make the playoffs every year.

While I'm writing this, the tigers are beating the royals like they stole something. they are up 5-0. I'm not making this up, Rod was talking about one of his cousins and said, ""He's named Luigi Mario .. and hes a brother."....if you're playing at home, that qualifies as "general silliness." drink up.

The most important thing in the history of mankind

2006-09-18T15:32:00.000-04:00

Intense rivalries are what makes competition great. Rivalries such as red sox/yankees, Duke/UNC, Red vs. Black from Wild N' Out and finally detroit/chicago have raised the stakes significantly. Starting tonight, the tigers take on the black sox in the most important series in Tigers baseball in almost 20 years. The Tigers have been steadily farting away their lead in the Central/Wildcard and enter today 1 game up over the Nick Punto lead minnesota Twins. If the Tigers manage to miss the playoffs this year, I'm literally going to hibernate this winter. This is a fact.

Let's break down this series a little bit.
Kenny Rogers vs. Mark turdley tonight. I'm hoping Rogers sets the tone early and nails Dye and Crede in the ribs with 84 Mph fastballs. Obviously, they are then out for the season. Tigers win 37-0.

Justin Verlander vs. Freddy Turdcia. Tigers put in major league 2 prior to the game, remember what a cocky SOB jack parkman was and verlander strikes out jim thome 3 times with the eliminator, the terminator, and of course the masturbator. Tigers win this game 1-0 when neifi perez "has an angel" and hits his first career ball out of the infield for the game winning sac fly.

Jeremy Bonderman vs. Jon Turdland. This game is a laugher the entire way. The Tigers win this game 34-7. The White sox are effectively eliminated from the playoffs ensuring the tigers the wildcard at worst. Jim Leyland can finally remove the last slide showing off Mike Illitch's boobs.

In other news, The tigers signed another sub par LH hitter. This time, Matthew Wade Stairs gets the chance. Remember when everyone was spazzing out in june about our dire need for a left hand bat? and that Leyland said that we weren't just looking for LH bat just for the sake of having a LH bat, the player must also be good at baseball?... yeah, well, apparently we are fibbers. Also, Polanco said yesterday he is out for the year. The team said he isn't, but we are fibbers like I said before.

and, just for the hell of it, here's Harry Dunne singing about the Tigers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1qyAfxLkeg

go tigers.

Now that the lions are out of contention, Go Tigers.

2006-09-11T23:32:00.000-04:00

Neifi Perez is the Pussycat Dolls of major league baseball. Both have very little talent but both for whatever reason see lots of playing time. Some other hopelessly devoted schmoe created this website, http://www.fireneifi.com/ . This website really doesn't do it for me, first off, if I had created an anti-neifi website the address would be http://www.punchneifiintheface.clownpenis.fart . For the three of you who got clownpenis.fart joke, i hope you enjoyed it. And for the other three of you who clicked on that hoping it was a real website, I'm sorry, it's not real, but you're an idiot.

Obviously, the shocking news of the week is the sudden release of dmitri young. This really came out of nowhere, and that's why it annoys me so much. A general rule of thumb is you do not release your #3 hitter in september during a pennant race. Obviously, he was a sucky 3 hitter, but this still shouldn't be happening in september. He should have been dealt with much earlier.

The Tigers are 1.5 games up in the al central. Hopefully, Leyland has a risqué picture of mike illitch in the locker room and every time they win, they remove a slide. If it worked in major league, it works in the major leagues. and if you just vomited something up after reading that sentence, thank you for reading this far.

This upcoming home stand against $texas$ and the orioles is crucial. It's definitely more important then school, and my general mental health combined. The Tigers are starting to get some players back from injuries. Maroth and guillen returned...still no polanco. If neifi takes his spot again, I'll bash myself with a hammer every time that neifi either hits a dribbler to the 3rd basemen on a half swing, or pops up a bunt with no one on base. I'm most likely going to have intense surgery in the near future. If I'd have to compare sean casey's and neifi perez's play of late to a disease...cholera would be the easy choice. Yes, leaky anus would be the perfect way to describe these two, Casey is hitting .065 in september with a .065 OBP%. This is so bad. I could do this, and for once I might not be incredibly overestimating my skills. I think I could easily hit .080 with an obp% of around .110 or something. Ok, i'm overestimating my skills, but the fact that I actually just debated with myself if I could play better then a professional getting paid around 8 mill a year in a pennant chase is pretty terrible.

Kevin Hooper played in a game recently. This really has nothing to do with anything, other then i think it's great that the tigers and the Make-a-wish foundation have such a great relationship. Also, AC Slater is starting to swing the bat well for the Tigers again. If Slater can improve his RF play and his knee holds up, he still might get that scholarship to Iowa.

EAT EM' UP TIGERS.

"WOOOOOWEEEEE"

2006-09-05T13:55:00.000-04:00

If you're confused about the meaning of this title, go to this and watch it a couple thousand times... http://youtube.com/watch?v=JKF8M8fM44E. This homerun was easily the most important Tiger home run I've seen in my life. I'm not counting anything pre 1990, because I'd equate my intelligence at the time to a brain dead fetus. I wouldn't even be surprised if Rod Allen talked to Craig Monroe during batting practice, and this had a calming influence on him which allowed him to hit the clutch homerun.

Another important thing happened in that series against the new york king bowsers, the mlb debut of andrew miller. The good doctor came in and pitched a scoreless inning of relief. Usually when a player is drafted in the mlb, it takes him a couple years minimum. For miller, he pitched 9 innings total in Single A ball and we decided he was ready. Could you imagine making your MLB debut, in yankee stadium, during the middle of a pennant race? The only debut that I think was more anticipated was the debut of steve nebraska in the scout. and that movie sucked.

OBSCURE EX-TIGER OF THE DAY....Nook Logan

This former Tiger was traded to the Washington Nationals for a player to be named later. Obviously, we got the better end of this trade. This former Fanatic U spokesman, made "speedy" sanchez look like Lou Brock. (see the commercial here, http://www.fanaticu.com/customer/home.php click on CMO AND DMITRI under "commercials). Nook will probably serve as a lifetime pinch runner, because, well, he can't do anything else remotely well. This much ballyhooed CFer will fade into Tiger's lore as one of the least talented "baseball" players to ever wear ye olde' english D.

While i was concocting this think piece, the zumaya comcast commercial came on. Is comcast high speed internet really as fast as a zumaya fast ball? Oh man, that commerical is well done.

Today is my 22nd birthday. World peace, eternal happiness, those are swell, but I'd definitely rather have a Tiger's series win over the mariners. Or, Rod Allen to show up at my birthday party at Discovery Zone.

WHO DAT TALKING 'BOUT BEATIN' DEM TIGERS?!

2006-08-26T13:58:00.000-04:00

I'm hoping that an update to my diary will wake up the sacred spirits of ole' tiger lore and catapult us to a lengthy winning streak. If a cartoon tiger hopped up on hallucinogens can't do it, then we are just out of luck. Honestly, I'd be all in favor or replacing ye olde English D in favor this. Actually, this is probably a fairly good interpretation of what baseball was like for dmitri young pre rehab. Unfortunately, that realization kind of just depressed me, and there should be nothing depressing about this old logo at all.

"I think Sean Casey has gotten the respect he has because people respect him a lot."
-jim thome

jim thome, master of infinite wisdom said that gem the other day. I was at the chicago game where thome pulled his hamstring the other day. The WAHHHmbulance had to come and take him out of the game. I felt really bad about that, really, i did.

The Tigers made a blockbuster trade the other day acquiring Neifi Perez from the cubs. Honestly, the only thing I like about neifi perez is that his name is neifi. I'm upset we dealt black crowes frontman/single a baseball catcher Chris Robinson for him. Robinson was considered by some to be our best minor league catcher. I think we got neifed bad on that trade, but oh well. I'd still prefer infante playing e'ryday over perez.

Blowing up ipods across the country, I proudly present "Tigers gonna do it again!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1iGuCcVCSI

Tigers travel to Cleveland and NYC to slap around those silly nannies on a road trip. Hopefully, we can beat them emotionally/physically and we will come out better off.

Oh-wee-Oh

2006-08-18T15:52:00.000-04:00

After examining this picture for a good 10-15 minutes I still can't conclude whether Magglio is actually a braindead mute, or if he is the new Rico Sauve. I mean, he's autographing his balls. That's either genius, or just so ridiculously Magglio. I honestly don't think I have given him the credit that he deserves.

Anyways, The tigers completed the dreaded Sox/Sox road trip and came back a little bit worse off. I was out of town during the last 4 games of the losing streak, so it's your fault, not mine this happened. I come back to detriot, and blammo, we take two out of three in Bawstan. Shake my hand, and welcome me back home if you see me around.

Verlander has stopped looking Bob Gibsonesque on the mound recently. This is dissapointing, but it could have been easily predicted. Recent examples of this are Liriano, who literally cried after the tigers beat him the last week, and Dontrelle Willis who was a Cy Young candidate but by the 2003 playoffs he worked out of the bullpen. It takes a while for rookie pitchers to get their arms strong enough to be able to endure a 162 game season. Hopefully with Maroth coming back he can help decrease our other starters innings while hopefully being as effective as he was at the beginning of the year. We also dearly miss Rod Allen commenting after every maroth strike how much of an influence Rogers has been on him.

The Tigers are in the midst of an 8 game home stand against texas ranger, and those same pale hosers who swept us the week earlier. The magic number for us to clinch the AL Central title is 36. Obviously, this is pretty much on par with what we all predicted before the season started. Ho-hum.

Rod Allen drinking game

2006-08-04T13:41:00.000-04:00

I get zero credit for creating this, but I feel like this could become a very good way to watch Tigers games and also blackout by the the middle of the 5th inning. Feel free to add your own "allenism's" and their respected drinking amount.

THE
ROD ALLEN
DRINKING GAME

1 DRINK ————————————————————————————————————————–––
When Rod says “Mario” or “partner.”

3 DRINKS ————————————————————————————————————————–

When Rod says “elevated.”

When Rod says “skipper.”

5 DRINKS ————————————————————————————————————————–

When Rod makes any kind of reference to a player or his ability being “special”

When Rod says the phrase “oh no he didn’t.”

When Rod says the phrase “from time to time.”

When Rod says “cheese.”

When Rod says “features,” “featuring” or “featured.”

When Rod refers to Leyland as a beauty.

When Rod says “filthy.”

When Rod repeats a statement or point he made earlier in the game.

7 DRINKS —————————————————————————————————————————
Whenever Rod says he talked to someone at batting practice.

When Rod says the phrase “professional hitter.”

8 DRINKS ——————————————————————————————————————————–

When Rod makes reference to his coaching/broadcasting career in Arizona.

When Rod makes reference to Kenny Rogers’ influence on the young pitching staff.
Whenever Rod makes the statement “some kind of _____.” (IE: Some kind of smooth)
Whenever Rod talks about the benefit to a defense when a young pitcher works quickly.

When Mike Maroth is pitching and Rod mentions Tom Glavine’s influence on him.

10 DRINKS ————————————————————————————————————————————–
When Rod asks Mario if he worked out today. » Drink double if he asks this during a home game.
When Rod makes reference to cotton candy. » Drink double if he makes reference to pink cotton candy.
When Rod makes reference to how much fun Pudge is having. » Drink double if it is anyone else.
When Rod makes reference to the Carlos Guillen trade.

When Rod says the phrase “game within the game.”

When Rod says the phrase, “the unintentional, intentional walk.”

When Rod makes reference to how “smooth” any of the Tiger middle infielders are. » Drink double if it is anyone else.

12 DRINKS —————————————————————————————————————————————————–
When Rod makes reference to his playing career. * Rod only had about 50 career ABs, 20 with the Tigers.

20 DRINKS —————————————————————————————————————————————————— ——
When the footage of Rod charging the mound in Japan is shown.

General Silliness 2 drinks may be had when Rod displays general silliness. This optional rule can be applied in group or individual play and can be declared before the game or invoked when the silliness occurs. General silliness can be loosely interpreted as that’s why it’s not technically part of the rules. Experienced players will recognize
this activity which can include stepping over the play by play with yelps, screams or any array of noises, use of non-words, abundant laughing or appearing overly giddy.

We have more wins then last year.

2006-08-03T13:12:00.000-04:00

Whenever you share a nickname with NBA great Fred Hoiberg you know you’re destined for great things. What I like about this poster is it honestly looks like a grand total of 8 minutes went into the total production of this poster. What's crazy about this poster is that the picture actually wasn't altered at all. Sean Casey was actually struck by multiple bolts of pinkish lightning when playing during the Reds traditional pinkish hue night. Fortunately, these lightning bolts possessed him with great superpowers such as, the ability to move in a fashion eerily similar to that of Frankenstein and the ability to hit for a high on base percentage. All we had to do to get this, I guess, politically savvy 1st basemen was trade scrub double AA pitcher Brian Rogers. Pittsburgh honestly at this point in the season just doesn't give a flying fuck anymore.

I've honestly not been the mayor’s biggest supporter over the years but I still like this trade. The main thing I like about this trade is it gets Shelton out of the line-up and back in AAA hopefully sacrificing some livestock in order to please the sacred hitting gods. Although not conventional, this method has paid high dividends in the past. Seriously, the last 3 months Shelton has looked like an injured fawn at the plate who is in dire need of TLC that the Mudhens so often provide. The mayor runs on the platform of steady base hits and walks while providing a solid foundation at 1st base. He strictly opposes traditional strong power numbers for a 1st baseman, the ability to run around the bases in under 4 minutes and also he obviously hates terrorism.

Brent Clevlen recently got called up for honestly no apparent reason. When your hitting .240 in AA and struggling with your power #'s...this usually isn't the time that the team with best current record would call you up for the playoff push. This makes more sense though when you consider the fact that A)he almost made the Tigers out of spring training and B) we couldn't call Gomez back up for another 10 or so days. Thankfully, Clevlen has been very "Kalineish" this first couple of games. 2 outfield assists, a batting average around .600 and 2 Hr's over 400 feet. If he could continue his pace of hitting around .600 with one outfield assist and one HR every game he starts, this would also be beneficial.

From the "why the fuck is Todd Jones being asked about his underwear" department of the news this gem came up. When asked what he brings on road trips, Jones replied, "I don't pack any underwear," he said. "I wear it into the park, it gets washed every day and I wear it out of the park. I guess that's weird. I'm not proud of it, but I'm cutting down on space." Well, Todd, I'm not proud of that either. Honestly, if you asked me what was the most disappointing thing to happen to me in the last week, I'd honestly say hearing this about Todd Jones way worse then getting mugged. I apologize in advance if this last paragraph haunts your dreams and cripples your thoughts.

Also, apparently the two dudes that mugged me in the Wood's have been arrested. Apparently, they went after some woman with a knife and robbed her but they caught them a couple hours later. One of them had my cell phone on them still. They probably just really liked hearing my Impemba ringtone. Can't fault them for that. But it sounds like I'm going to get to do one of those high tech police line-ups. I'm actually happy whenever I think about this, because i'm almost at the point where I've convinced myself that Kramer might actually be in my line up.

The Tigers finally head home tomorrow after their exhilarating tour of the worst ballparks in mlb history. The Indians this weekend, and then the Twins. These teams are stupid, so I hope we beat them. That’s pretty much the extent of my in depth analysis for these two series.

ROAR.

35 over .500. Not too shabby, Pahdnuh

2006-07-27T14:26:00.000-04:00

Last Tuesday night wasn't a good night. I was robbed at gunpoint while driving in the mean streets of Huntington Woods and had a gun put to my head while my cell phone and wallet were stolen. Eric, who was serving as my Rod Allen for the night also had his wallet stolen and was punched repeatedly in the face. To quote Rod, "They were beatin' on him like he stole something!" Except, obviously he was getting punched and robbed, so I guess that doesn't really fit. Obviously, feeling like you were about to get shot in the back of the head is a lousy feeling, but it's nothing compared to the feeling of losing to Cleveland. The Tigers won the finale, thus taking the series, and all was well again.

Being the first victim of an armed robbery in Huntington Wood's in multiple years is kind of an odd feeling. I mean, being that it was me, that’s a hell of a way to end the slump. Basically, I’m about as surprised that I almost got shot on Dundee as when Alexis Gomez gets a base hit. I found out that since my wallet was taken the two perp's used my credit card 6 times in a matter of an hour or so. What makes this even worse is the fact that they bought gas 6 fucking times, nothing else, just fucking gas. So now I have to live with the fact that my credit card's last dying action went to supporting terrorist regimes. That's a hell of a thing to have on your conscience.

Welp, the Tigers end their road trip by visiting the two ugliest stadiums in the over 100 year history of professional baseball. Obviously, I'm talking about the Metrodome, and Tropicana field. The Twins are now tied with the White Sox. So hopefully we can bash around the Twins and the ghost of Kent Hrbek. True, Hrbek’s not dead, but that man ruined many nights for me when I was wee lad. Luckily we get to face Liriano and Santana in this series, so it's basically safe to assume a sweep is merely a formality in this series.

Here is carlos guillen's walk off HR against the KC.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk-Ri48dtik&search=detroit%20tigers

The drunk who is filming this from what looks like the Tiger den does a good job of setting the scene. Unfortunately this just stirs up fond memories from my stolen cell phone. No joke, my ring tone was Mario Impemba. It was quite honestly very pathetic. But I loved hearing Impemba's golden vocal chords scream repeatedly "ANOTHER WALK-OFF HOMERUN FOR THE TIGERS!" over and over again. Usually, I'd just let it go straight to voicemail and enjoy it in its entirety.

Here’s a friendly reminder, if you really want a Chalupa from Taco Bell and your in Huntington Wood’s… just remember to weigh the pros and cons. For example, the cheesy/meaty goodness of the Chalupa vs. the possibility of getting shot in the face. Personally, I’d still go with the Chalupa.

Tiger Style

2006-07-21T16:18:00.000-04:00

The Tigers extended their lead for overall best record in baseball to 5.5 games. I was at the first and 3rd games of the white sox series. The first game was pretty much the equivalent to being on the recieving end of a kyle farnsworth body slam. The second game was much better. I almost shattered both my fists punching whatever was near me (wall, chair, cat, etc.) after monroe's grandslam. It even almost resulted in a fight with pierzynski. it was terrific, and for your audio pleasure here is dan dickerson spazzing out after the grandslam. Then jim price massages your ear lobes with his unparalleled baseball analysis. Yeah, that last sentence was extremely sarcastic.

http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~ebajek/MonroeGS.wav

The third game was probably the most exciting baseball game I've ever been to. Even though in my life I've probably been to well over 250 tiger games in person...that really isn't saying much. I mean, I think approximately i've seen the tigers play the royals 100 times in mid august when the teams are a combined 75 games under .500. Anyways, the play of the day was marcus thames taking out iguchi at second base. when this happened, I literally swore 15 times in 5 seconds and sincerely hoped that both his shoulders were dislocated and that he landed on his head hard enough that his brain would leak out of his ear. I'm pretty sure that makes me a terrible person, oh well. Tigers won 2-1 after shelton doubled in monroe following the take out slide.

dmitri young is back, literally. He's been called up. I'm not sure who's going to be sent down, but my best guess would be santiago sent down. Obviously, meathook has been pretty terrible for the tigers since after opening day last year. But, if he's not drunk, and not focused on hoe-smackin, he would be exactly what the tigers need. A switch hitting, somewhat power-hitting DH/1b would be perfect for us. Since shelton's deal with the devil apparently ended, he's been about the most replaceable player in the lineup. He'd still be our starter at 1b, but it would be nice to have some flexibility. If young could hit anywhere near his lifetime #'s (.291 avg., 21 Hr's, .348 obp), we would be so much better. Apparently he'll be batting 7th tonight and playing DH.

The Tigers are still rumored to be getting everyone. Along with the recent abreu/soriano rumors, i've heard shawn green, tom gordan, alex rodriguez, shea hillenbrand, smoltz (again), david Dellucci... So, really nothing has changed. Humberto sanchez has basically been involved in every trade rumor. I'd trade him if the price was right. His value is at it's highest following the futures game. It is literally almost impossible to assume that he'll be a great pitcher in the bigs, and we have lots of pitching depth in the minors and basically zero hitting depth. Plus, if we sign the good doctor, dr. destroyer (andrew miller) we'll be in even better shape. No way in hell I'd trade maybin. Honestly, the only players I'd trade him for right now are like albert pujols, or like miguel cabrera...every other player I'd have to think over. It's rumored the nationals asked for sanchez, Jurrjens (another high pitching prospect) AND maybin for soriano. I will stick forks in my eyeballs if this actually happens.

The tigers play the a's this weekend. obviously the park is sold out all 3 games. The Tigers bandwagon has increased by approximately 80 gazillion in the last month. Considering there were only like 10 diehard fans prior to this season, this is quite the change. In the last few weeks I've had atleast 5 girls who couldn't name the color of a baseball (FYI, white, with red stitches) debate with me who the tigers should be pitching/lineup decisions. Usually its something like, "why isn't Verlander pitching? he's so hottttt." My response usually is something like, "he pitched last night, he would injure his arm and be useless the rest of his career." "well, I don't care, he should be pitching, he is sooooooo hot." I then try to immediately change the subject and debate something more meaningful such as who's more musically talented, lindsey lohan or hillary duff. obviously, lindsey.

I apologize in advance if that last paragraph caused mental retardation in any of my readers.

eat em' up tigers.

2nd half haiku

2006-07-14T15:38:00.000-04:00

tigers in first place
royals bow down to detroit
all hail leyland now

once again, this picture is strictly for my female readers. It's a legit todd jones bowman rookie card. If i could, I'd get this blown up and post this bia' on my door at my house next year. As cube said, you betta check yo self ‘for you wreck yo self. I think a giant todd jones picture completely illustrates this ice cube lyric. I'm thinking I should start wearing gold chains and and have a neatly manicured 'stache. That might work better then my normal pick-up lines which are rather lackluster..."hey sweetheart, let's get out of here and check out my detroit tigers blog," or, "do you play catcher? because you can catch my screwball....anyday," or "is that the new pussycat dolls song?! those girls are just one giant ball of talent!" See, i'm a mess....so, anyone know a good gold chain place?

last night i was at the game. there were over 32,000 people there for a weekday royals game. this is approximately 300% more people then average at a weekly royals game. our seats were "obstructed view." the foul poll was in the way. that was annoying. in the past, i'd usually use my ticket which i had purchased for under 5$ from a scalper on the street and sit in 35$ seats. Now that the bandwagon is in full force, I'm stuck behind the foul poll. stupid yellow foul poll. stupid mark teahen trying to ruin my night. alas, the tigers won 6-4. hooray! I think that boosted my season record in games I've attended to around 15-5. basically i'm running a shade better then the tigers season winning percentage. so, if any of you are superstitious, I'd definitely recommend taking me to the game.

dmitri young is about to be back from his rehab. hooray rehab! hopefully the newly svelt DY will start hurting baseballs instead of hurting college aged girls.

the tigers are rumored to be after every single baseball player who has hit over 5 hr's in a season and is a lefty. we are rumored to be offering literally everything. so its pointless to try to break any of this down. now, we are even rumored to be after righty's, most notably alfonso soriano. unfortunately, he strikes out a lot which is a big negative. but a huge positive for him is that his name is alfonso. I can't stress that enough. the only other alfonso i can think of is alfonso ribeiro AKA carlton from the fresh prince. laPhonso ellis of the nuggets doesn't count. alfonso green....I like that.

and yes, I'm aware that the tigers music video is down. I received countless complaints about that not working. wait, not countless...one total complaint. one outraged reader is enough for me though, here's a link to the song. its called "who's your tiger" by natives of the new dawn. TURN YOUR SPEAKERS UP, BECAUSE YOUR ARE ABOUT TO ROCK OUT!

http://myspace.com/nativesofthenewdawn

I think we should start a grassroots campaign right now and get this to the top of the TRL countdown. who's with me? oh, no one? ok, well, just enjoy this for what its worth then.

finally, the 2006 tigers have a theme song

2006-07-09T13:17:00.000-04:00

the tigers are 31 games over .500...exactly where I thought they'd be. Seriously, stop hyperventilating. I'm pretty sure this is happening. You know Tiger fever has firmly gripped detroit by the go-nads when such gems such as this turn up on the internet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_l_z4tyxpM&search=detroit%20tigers

sure, it no "thong song," but this is going to be the lead track in my new mix cd titled "brady's tiger booty mix 2k8."

The Tigers have one game to go before the all-star break against the mariners. "google" tells me that a mariner is "a man who serves as a sailor." great, they sound tough. thank god, ability to navigate the high seas still has no impact on whether or not you win a baseball game.

a very important international competition takes place today. Yes, the futures game. Humberto sanchez (mudhen extraordinaire) is starting for team world. Cameron maybin is playing for team usa. "lets go shake their hanz." that made absolutely zero sense in this context of this and i'm sure probably 3% of my loyal readers caught that reference. This game will bring back fond memories from the time last year I attended the futures game in a drunken stupor and watched verlander and zumaya at comerica for the first time.

Kenny rogers is most likely going to start the all-star game on tuesday. its kind of ironic that he's starting the game as the AL's best pitcher when in my opinion he's been our 3rd or 4th best pitcher on the tigers staff.

dee-troit tigers are movin' on up, movin' on up!

Tigers bitch-slap national league

2006-06-29T02:08:00.000-04:00

is using the word "bitch-slap" innapropriate to use in a title? In short, yes. But after watching the tigers double-broom the past two NL champs and compiling a 13-2 beatdown record overall against the player haters from the NL and a 54-25 overall record…this is pretty much the greatest thing ever to happen. I rank the Tigers 2006 season basically as an equal to getting into college, good health and the future birth of my lefty cy-young/switch hitting robot child that will redefine baseball as you know it.

Right now, its 315 am. I just got home from the bar. If I'm writing in my diary about how much I'm spazzing out about a baseball team at this time, that’s a)exciting, b)radical, c)dreadfully pathetic, like hello? earth to brady, your a turd, do something better with your life, or d) all of the above. I'd like to think it’s a mostly choice "A," but in reality it's for sure more of "C." Instead of resenting this, I guess I just have to embrace my inner-nerdom. Fuck the alpha-betas anyways. Booger is so cool. Did you see that concert they put on at the homecoming games? Who knew pointdexer was so great at the electric violin?, and that Lamar Latrell laid down a funky ass rhyme that made me move my body down to the ground. God, I want a piece of that sweet piece of ass Betty Childs....Alright, I'm clearly losing my focus. Just take it that I got the fever and it’s gripping detroit like a tightly fit speedo.

You might ask why I chose selleck as the picture for this. I did that simply for my 0 or 1 female readers. Well, your welcome, female reader. If you exist that is.

Anyways, the big hoopla surrounding the Tigers basically deals with the potential trades they might do. What is especially entertaining about this is that everyone is stupid and loves talking out of their ass about how they can potentially improve a team winning almost 70% of it's games. Names I've heard as potential targets have been dontrelle willis, john smoltz, barry bonds, cliff floyd, bobby abreau, aubrey huff and a whole host of other schmoes. The only player I potentially want is bobby abreau. This is totally in a deal that involves basically zero of our prospects and zero of our veterans. So, i'm willing to offer dmitri young, recently demoted bobby seay and Kevin hooper for abreau. I'm crossing my fingers, but I don't expect them to bite on this bargain. Even though it's great we are winning now, it’s even more important to secure our future. Making a foolish trade now would be a mistake on par with bay of pigs invasion. We are good now, but we have the potential to be great for the next 5-10 years. So, to make this simple, don't fuck this up, please.

in other news, dmitri young is back! After a tremendous year of screwing trammell, choking his 21 year old GF, checking into the betty ford clinic for rehab and playing terrible baseball to boot, he's back! meathook is in florida attempting to remember how to play baseball and will eventually don the historic mudhen logo. What's terrible about this entire situation is that we desperately could use a switch-hitting power hitter. So, if he can contribute, I wish him the best. He might as well pretend to earn the 8 million+ he's due to make this year.

ozzie guillen recently picked the assistant coaches for the all-star game in pittsburgh this year. In an all-around classy move he decided to pick eric wedge (35-42) and john gibbons (43-34) over jim leyland (54-25). Remember, leyland coached in pittsburgh for only a measly 11 years and won 2 coach of the year honors and brought the pirates to respectability. I'd criticize guillen, but I'm just petrified that he'll just curse me out and use insensitive slurs to discredit me.

The tigers travel to pittsburgh for some more AL/NL rivalry action. I just hope the killer b's (bonds, bonilla and bell) aren't too much for us to overcome. Atleast we got van slyke on our side this time.

Beat the bucs.

ozzie guillen loves the wnba

2006-06-21T18:11:00.000-04:00

Recently, all around class act ozzie guillen recieved criticism for referring to jay marriotti as a "fag." Marriotti criticized guillen for demoting sean tracey, a rookie pitcher, who in his MLB debut guillen ordered to hit a batter. Tracey missed, Guillen was pissed, marriotti dissed. guillen after hearing marriotti's criticism had this to say in response, "What a piece of [expletive] he is, [expletive] fag." I'll let you fill in the expletives, but if I had an educated guess, I'd think the quote goes something like "what a piece of fart he is, motherlovin' fag." guillen defended himself by saying that in his country "fag" isn't a homosexual slur. remember, ozzie guillen has played baseball in the mlb for 16 years, and has coached for 3 years. So, i wouldn't really call this excuse especially valid. What I like about this entire situation is I absolutely hate marriotti as well. So this is basically a win-win situation.

My favorite part about this entire thing is guillen trying to defend this. Guillen tried defending himself to another columnist (couch), and was quoted as saying, "Guillen also told Couch that he has gay friends, attends WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert and plans to go to the Gay Games in Chicago." After literally falling out of my chair reading that, I came to the conclusion that Marriotti would be one hell of candidate to be guillen’s “partner” in the 3-legged race at the gay games. Comments like these are absolutely priceless. it's basically the same as saying that I really enjoy Plessy v. ferguson, but I'm not racist because I know black people, and I go to rap concerts. I loved that even when trying to defend himself, he just furthered other stereotypes. That picture of him kissing his son on the lips is definitely fitting here.

The Tigers handled their beeswax by going 5-1 against those bitches from the northside of chicago and the tigers old AL rival the Brewers. I'm extremely heartbroken I missed the majority of these games because it’s a pure delight watching the Tigers pitchers hit. When nate robertson hit an rbi single with 2 outs it was basically the equivalent of chris shelton stealing home in my opinion. The Tigers now head back to detwah for some more interleague delight against the Cardinals where we will certainly brag about our world series win over them a measly 38 years ago.

eat em' up tigers

tigers roar into flag day with best record in the bigs

2006-06-14T12:30:00.000-04:00

Another eventful week for the tigers. A 4 game winning streak over the b-jays and d-rays has been NIICE (use borat voice). It's also always interesting when an arrest warrant is put out for one of your highest paid players on the team as well. Apparently, with being fake injured and on the DL, dmitri young had too much to do as he skipped his pre-trial and now faces arrest. He was receiving help from the betty ford clinic for alcohol abuse. I thought it was cute before when my sister always said he was nice to her at 5th avenue, but now that I know that she was just feeding his addiction really T's me off. I'm putting the blame completely on my sister for this one, hopefully the 40 extra lb's he's been carrying around was just built up beer and liquor that has been lodged in his system and when he's clean, this will all magically fall off. Kind of like Jared in that subway commercial wear he tears his fat suit off revealing a leaner and meaner self. Hopefully, meathook will be leaner...but not necessarily meaner, because that got him in trouble before.

The picture up top is from the tigers dramatic comeback win against TB. Of course I was there at that game. At the time granderson came through with the winning hit I was one of about 340 people still left in the stadium and it was the equivalent of christmas morning/halloween and flag day rolled into one. I'll be at the game tonight. Bonderman pitches tonight against former Philadelphia 76'er Mark Hendrickson. This schlub was drafted in the 2nd round by philly, but decided he'd rather become a marginal pitcher in baseball crazy tampa bay. Way to think it through, mark.

Topping the threatdown for this weekend....BEARS. or in this case the cubs. the cubs are stupid and from chicago, so I'm just going to assume everything goes swimmingly this weekend. I'm out of town this weekend so I'm going to miss the entire cubs series. I'm not going to be able to follow the tigers very well because I'll be at a music festival, and that would be a stupid use of my time. I think its pretty safe to assume by the time I get back the tigers will be riding high on a 9 game win streak.

I just want to wish all my readers a happy flag day...and be safe! no one wants to ruin the most sacred of holidays with a foolish flag day injury. If you are of legal age (or have fake id) take it easy. For every flag that you see, this doesn't necessarily give you permission to take a shot.

Dr. Destroyer a Tiger!

2006-06-09T13:32:00.000-04:00

On the 6th day, of the 6th month of the year 2006 the Tigers select with their 6th pick a 6'6 Andrew Miller, a lefty hurler from North Carolina. Obviously you might think I might have some hang-ups about drafting the obvious ruler of the dark world to anchor our pitching rotation in the future. Not this time though, the Tigers drafted by basically everyone’s opinion the consensus #1 overall player in the draft at #6. He slipped to us because everyone thought he would be hard to sign, which might be true, but I have faith that Dombrowski will sacrifice 20 virgins to please Miller. Another thing you like is when players make up nicknames for themselves. Miller, obviously a smart guy, came up with the genius nickname "Dr. Destroyer." Even though Miller is leaving after his jr. year...it's always nice to see that he was able to get his doctorate before he graduated.

The Tigers just completed two series against teams that are named after socks. I guess in the early 1900's creativity was at an all-time low and the creators of these names just looked in their closets and blammmo! white and red sox it is. Anyways, both of these series went poorly. The Tigers should have won both series if it wasn't for Todd Jones remembering he's todd jones and giving up a 2 out bottom of the 9th HR to lose and Rodney reverting back to his pre tommy-john surgery days and serving up a pelvis-shattering 3-run HR to new HGH candidate Alex cintron. The Tigers now head to Toronto for a series with the B'jays. Hopefully if they have enough time they'll visit the hockey hall of fame.

US Cellular field I think just climbed in my top 3 in my list of the mostest stupiderest ballparks in baseball. Every single flyball felt like it was going to be gone. 11 Hr's were hit in 3 games. This is even more stupid when all the games were relatively low scoring games. I mean, cintron and polanco each hit Hr's this series. That's stupid. Homeruns should be difficult, thats why I have really grown to like the dimensions of Comerica Park a lot recently. There is not a more exciting play in baseball then a triple. Recently I did a Hr. Derby with two of my BFF's. A total of 3 Hr's were hit between us...I hit 0 of them. Even though this made me cry for the first time in 12 years, this was right. I have no business hitting homeruns after 0 practice in the last 3 years. Instead I was fouling off 45 mph gas or hitting a lazy fly ball into LF. Luckily, I bought some steroids and the next time you see me my head will be the equivalent of a bobble-head and the rest of my body will look like a person who was allergic to bee's who got stung by an entire nest. Who cares about testicles when you have pec's like mine?

"These fans here in Chicago are a black eye, cussing when there are kids around. I mean it's just bad for baseball." - jamie walker

Whats with these fans in chicago? I mean what the fuck is wrong with these shithead southsiders and their foul langauge? They should all be bitchslapped and their kids should be tought some fucking manners. Go eat a shit sandwich you assholes, you pale hosers.

Tigers vs. Sawks, Sucks (red, white)

2006-06-02T18:25:00.000-04:00

The Tigers not surprisingly enter June with the best record in all of baseball. Tonight, they start a series against jimmy fallon's Red Sawks. Since I currently am living a life that directly parallels Billy Madison (pre Ms. Vaughn), all I do all way is watch obscure movies on HBO. Unluckily for me, Fever Pitch plays 7 or 8 times a day so I get to watch that on a much too frequently. Literally, the only part I really like in that movie is when drew barrymore gets destroyed by a foul ball off the forehead. Hopefully, she does her own stunts. Anyways, my point is that this sawks series became exponentially more important after suffering through multiple viewings of this movie. Schilling vs. Rogers tonight, Bonderman vs. Wakefield tomorrow, and the marquee matchup...Zach miner vs. Matt Clement. I'll be at Saturdays game. I anticipate clubbing and brutally disfiguring multiple members of REDSOXNATION. Including Dave.

Next, the "motor city kitties" invade Chicago for an all important series with the black sox. If i hear chris berman one more time say "motor city kitties" I'll fucking snap like that goon on Iceland who slashes Adam Banks' already tender wrist. Honestly, I have to change the channel off of my favorite show Baseball tonight when Berman gushes about the Tigers, it makes me that mad.

Anyways, the black sox are led by douche bag extraordinaire ozzie guillen. You might remember him as the light-hitting SS for the sox who hit a paltry .264 for his career and slugged a steroid-suspicious 28 career Hr's in 16 years. Recently, he's become popular for bitching out literally everyone and leading a group of unbelievable turds to a world series. Last year, he called Magglio a "Venezuelen piece of shit." This guy screams class! Also, the team song of last year was by Journey and it was "don't stop believing." Members of the black sox would gather around and bellow this fucking pathetic song whenever a microphone was put in front of them. Notorious Fuckwad Anthony John Peer-zin-skee (i can't spell his name, and no way in hell am i giving him the satisfaction of looking it up) led passionate misty-eyed renditions of journey on multiple occasions. I'm pretty sure when the Cub's Michael Barret punched aj in the face it wasn't because of the collision, it was because he was sick and tired of hearing journey sung on Sportscenter every night. America thanks you, michael.

Tigers up by 2.5 games now, the magic # to clinch the division is hovering right now at just above 100 hundred games. As the homeless guy outside copa says to me almost on a nightly basis "eat em' up tigers, EAT EM' UP!" That guy gets a dollar, everytime.

Tigers sweep 4 game series against AA baseball club

2006-05-26T13:25:00.000-04:00

This picture has really nothing at all to do with anything going on at all. I just always thought it would be nice if someone would satisfy one of my boyhood dreams by having dmitri perform in a shakespearean play. Anyways, the "injury bug" has attacked the tigers recently. I’ll tell you, that fuckin' injury bug, every time man.. dmitri suffered what I can believe to be one of the few trips ever to the disabled list primarily just to get "his shit back in order" and patch things up with his 21 year old chicken head GF. Or, just to learn his lines for his performance in macbeth. who knows. Definitely not a strained quad, I can tell you that much.

In an injury that actually affects the team, Mike maroth was placed on the 15 day DL for an inflamed elbow. I was able to watch that first inning of the tigers game yesterday when maroth gave up back to back to back hr's and 6 earned runs while getting one royal out. It’s especially bad when you find out that the power hitting royals have slugged 3 Hr's in one game only one time prior to yesterday. If they match that total in the first inning, then you are pitching like bodussy. You certainly can't accuse the royals of steroids atleast. Losing Maroth is especially more devastating when the expected replacement is jason grilli. grilli is basically the only pitcher on the team who isn't putting up video game type numbers on our staff. I'd prefer Colon to take over the 5th spot, when the day comes when I am manager of the Tigers, I will be able to make those decisions.

The Tigers are 33-14....let that sink in for a minute. With the pistons in the eastern conference finals and the tigers 19 games over .500 in may, I think I must be going to hell. I definitely made a deal with the devil. Totally worth it though, I'll take meaningful baseball over an eternity of damnation without hesitation anytime. The fact the pistons are playing the heat...makes this apparent deal with the devil all the more evident. Honestly, I don't think there is a team I've ever hated more then this heat team. Cakes Walker, Dwayne "I'm going to fall on my ass and get an ass-bruise and act like I just shattered my leg" Wade, ason williams (no J), Alonzo "i almost died of kidney failure, but by the grace of god the raptors signed me and took a chance on me when no team would...but I'm still demanding a trade from those canucks" Mourning, etc. And who can forget the Shaq/ben wallace rap feud after the lakers series? Yeah, that was classic. Shaq laying down dope rhymes that I'd say were comparable to his acting in "Steel" and ben wallace making guest appearances on Skillz' song. Wow, that was some classic stuff there. Especially Riley. yeah, like van gundy really wanted to stop coaching one of the best teams in basketball a handful of games into the season to "spend time with his family." If i were his family...fuck! make that money, man. Nobody needs a stay at home dad when you could be out making millions.

Anyways, I'll probably be sacrificing game 3 of the heat series to go to the tigers/indians game on saturday night. If your there, I won't be hard to find. I'll be the guy enjoying my "diluted" pepsi a little bit too much in right field. I’ll probably also be there Sunday, and 2 of the 4 yankee games and atleast one or two of the bosox series. Should be pretty wild.

go tigers.

you know what first place feels like?... it feels like...like a bag of sand

2006-05-18T22:51:00.000-04:00

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy...?

Sparky Anderson said that a baseball team truly can not be judged until the 40 game mark. Well, George is surely doing back flips after the Tigers pulled into the 40 game mark with a COMMANDING one game lead over the black sox and the best record in the MLB.

A lot has happened since my last update. It’s kind of difficult to stay current when you do not have a job and you have to sleep in until 1 pm everyday. Well, the tigers have currently won 7 straight, da-meathook da-beat his da-bitch up, and Zumaya a Marlin? say Whaaaaat?!

Sadly, oft injured DH DY decided that his 21 year old college boo was getting fresh with the meatstick. Did Dmitri Young haveta' choke a bitch?! Apparently, he did, and he's turning himself into the police on monday. Hitting a paltry .192 with 0 HR's thus far and now a domestic violence arrest this might be enough to signal an end to DY's career in Deetwah. No home runs for dmitri this year, instead its been more like hoe, run! after he polishes off a case of zimas. I've always tried to like Young, this first started off when my sister reported to me that he "tips incredibly well" at my uncles bar 5th avenue in Comerica Park. I even did get a kick out him attempting to field a baseball in the field, even if his fielding skills are comparable to a mentally challenged 7th grader. Also, his at-bat music of the ying-yang twins was a family delight! He chose "wait (the whisper song)" who's chorus consists of "Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick, Imma beat dat pussy up." if my face wasn't already botoxed to death, then a steady flow of tears would flow down my face.

Through some fortunate Pedro Cerrano voodoo curse, the Tigers currently have without a doubt the best pitching staff in baseball. Honestly, I can't explain this. We have an old man with anger issues, 2 pitchers who lost a combined 40 games a couple years ago, an underachieving lefty and a green rook. How this somehow equals a team ERA of 3.13 almost 1 full run over the 2nd best team in the AL is simply enough to almost have me suffer a brain aneurysm. We have given up 20 runs less then the 2nd best team in baseball. When I saw this stat, I was momentarily paralyzed from the waist down. And Jay-Z (zumaya) is one of the most dominating relievers in all of baseball.

Recent rumors have said that the marlins might be interested in trading dontrelle willis for zumaya. Honestly, this has given me an intense headache the last 36 hours. Zumaya looks as if he might be a lights-out closer for the next 10 years, while willis is already a cy young caliber lefty who's only 24, but who has a delivery who might make him susceptible to an arm injury. I imagine we'd also have to give up another mid-range prospect probably like a jordan tata or something. I think I developed an ulcer trying to analyze this trade. It really is way to tough to think about, and I hope it just goes away before I develop some other dehabilitating illness as a result of this.

Also, when you suckers were watching the pistons fart away our playoff chances in game 5, I was mostly watching Verlander vs. Santana. Honestly, this was probably one of the best games I've seen in years. Two pitchers who were just dominant until... hell froze over and monkeys flew out of wayne campbell's ass. Vance Wilson hit a 2-run HR in the bottom of the 8th inning leading us to a 2-0 victory. I was a witness alright, Vance Wilson won a game for us.

Tigers play the Reds in interleague baseball this weekend. I'll probably be thurr saturday night, and possibly sunday depending on if the Pistons want to do the equivalent of slapping an elderly woman in the face and beating up a group of kittens and lose in the 2nd round to the Cavaliers. I'm a high roller... I drive a Cavalier. If the pistons lose to the Cavaliers I think I am going to egg the fuck out of my car and beat it senseless with my bloody fists. I Guaransheed this.

The worst thing in the history of sport

2006-05-13T15:30:00.000-04:00

No, not steroids, but Craig Monroe taking a pitch right below the belt (PUN INTENDED). I remember watching this game last year and literally being uncomfortable for the next couple of days. Monroe was quoted later on saying that he "doesn't wear a cup because he plays in the outfield." Wow. How he wasn't on the disabled list for the rest of the season is simply the most remarkable achievement in toughness in sports history. yes, Willis Reed and Mateen Cleaves showed incredible toughness coming back and guiding their teams to championships and Kirk Gibson showed incredible grit to overcome basically two worthless legs to hit the game winning Hr against Eckersley...but, they weren't hit by a baseball traveling at an incredible speed in the crotcial region. You really think Gibson would've been able to hit Eckersley after taking one in the groin? hell no, strike 3! That is why Craig Monroe will forever go down in Tigers lore as one of the toughest SOB's in the history of sports.

This really has no relation to how the Tigers season has gone so far. Currently, we are 22-13 and are taking our nerf Crotch bats (snl reference) to the rest of the american league. The Black Sox are still 1.5 games up, with a measly 117 games to play. In my obviously unbiased opinion, we are a virtual lock for the AL central title.

Also, Zumaya hitting Chris Gomez with a 100 mph fast ball in the hand produced about the most grotesque sound I've ever heard. Gomez, as you remember was a Tiger legend playing for us the glory days in the early to mid 90's. Incredibly, he still stayed in the game even though it was obvious from just listening to it that his hand was mangled and broken. He's on the disabled list for a couple of months.

Right now, I'm planning on going to the entire Twins series tue-thurs at copa. Don't be a stranger; buy your #1 source for Detroit Tigers info a $8.50 beer if you happen to be there also.

33-1....and TWINS!!

2006-04-30T17:36:00.000-04:00

Once again, the Tigers tracked their prey, pounced on them and ripped apart their chest leaking their bloody organs and insides exposed for other Tigers to gnaw and rip apart and enjoy a filling meal. This time, their target was Twins. Not actual twins, but rather the entire state of Minnesota. Call in FEMA, because this disaster is going to take a while to recover from.

The Tigers broomed the Twins in a most convincing fasion. They won game one by a 3 fieldgoals 9-0. Game two was decided by Justin Verlander kicking 6 straight field goals and only giving up a PAT to win 18-1. And the "gambler" recorded 3 seperate safties sacking QB Ron Gardenhire to win 6-0. This all adds up to a 33-1 noogie and wedgie-fest laugher in favor of the tigers.

If this wasn't a clear enough definition of what happened this weekend at copa, try this metaphor instead. Take the Mighty Ducks trilogy, and you can use the games against their rivals before they ceremoniously changed their name back to the Ducks for the rematch. For instance the District 5 team, TEAM USA and finally the Eden Hall Warriors JV team. The Twins play the part of the "lost Ducks" and the Tigers are the Hawks, Team Iceland and Eden Hall varsity. Game 1 was like TEAM USA vs. Iceland in the first game. The Tigers brute strength was too much to overcome in a 9-0 statement game. Game 2, was like District 5 vs. the hawks. Winning 18-1 and literally making a red-faced Gardenhire question his teams "cahones." Game 3, was Eden Hall JV vs. Eden Hall varsity. Even though JV squad might of had past success, they were still weaklings compared to the stronger and more attractive Varsity squad. This weekend, the Tigers really emphasized that the twins were just JV bitches compared to the Tigers.

Next, the kansas shitty royals come to town bringing in Runelvys Hernandez for the opener. It is also pathetic that I am able to spell "runelvys" correctly just because of the sheer hatred I have for this fuckbag. If you remember, he is the d'bag who drilled Guillen in the head and then talked shit starting a bench clearing brawl. Luckily Farnsworth was able to execute a flawless form tackle on a unsuspecting royal in this fight. go tigers, beat kansas. All they are is dust in the wind.

the next Chris Shelton: Cameron Maybin

2006-04-24T19:24:00.000-04:00

I spent much of my afternoon watching Revenge of the Nerds 3 today. A pathetic movie, but I lasted as much as a I could until Booger graced the screen and I felt somewhat vindicated that I lasted long enough to see arguably the most successful Berkley High School Alum of all time in action. This really has nothing at all to do with Cameron Maybin at all; I just like to talk about Booger every chance I get. But those lovable nerds always seem to be right and just in their cause. Baseball writers are pretty much the biggest nerds of them all, and they would all make fine Lamda Lamda Lamda's. Anyways, these honorary Tri-Lambs have basically annointed Maybin as being a mixture of "Ken Griffey Jr. and Darryl Strawberry....but better defensively then those two" and also being a very mature "18 year old"....whatever that means. Also, they meant Darryl Strawberry in a good way....not the coked out way. I'll be very disappointed with the Tigers if they drafted an 18 year old coke addict.

I'm always kind of suspect when I find out the Tigers drafted a high school player in the draft. I read Moneyball, and that basically made me think that Billy Beane was literally the smartest person ever to have existed in the history of the human species. So, I was sort of upset with this pick at first. Then I started reading various articles about him, and that if it wasn't for justin upton (the #1 pick) he would have been one of the top high school position players in recent history. Also, this is what sold me. The Motherfucker has the major league baseball logo tattooed on his left shoulder and on his right shoulder he has a" crucifix with a baseball in the middle." I totally dig his religious beliefs.

Right now, Granderson is our CFer...but the Tigers have all intentions of having Maybin be the future CFer for the next decade or so. If everything goes perfectly, the Tigers outfield for 2008 will probably be Bret Clevlen in LF (another super-duper prospect), Maybin in CF, and Granderon taking over RF with at that time wrinkly old man Magglio taking over DH. This is nice, because all of the recent sucking is starting to pay off with good draft picks. I mean, Verlander and Zumaya are carving up major league hitters right now and they are both rookies. Verlander faced King Felix, also one of the best current prospects, and outpitched him yesterday in a great game. Verlander reached 100 MPH multiple times and topped out at 101 and keeps hitters off balance with an insane curve ball that usually is around 80 MPH. If he ever successfully develops a 3rd pitch, he'll be nuts.

Anyways, the Tigers are 12-7 and currently in 1st place for the wild card. Unfortunately, there are still 143 games to play, but for whatever reason the Tigers are 10-2 on the road right now. That literally makes no sense, but they start a series on the road against the Angels tonight. Not even Tony Danza (with an angel, not a bullshit fake one) can stop the Tigers march to a 130 win season.

Old man forgets to take meds, becomes irritable and gassy

2006-04-18T20:26:00.000-04:00

“Well, we just a lackluster, the whole ball of wax was lackluster just not good enough”
-Jim Leyland, 4-17-06

This literally is one of my favorite quotes of all-time. If I could go back in time, this would have been my senior quote, instead of the lame one I used from Mighty Ducks 2 instead. "whole ball of wax" is without a doubt going to become an integral part of my vocabulary. "Brady, its 5 pm, why haven't you gotten out of bed?" My reply, "the whole ball of wax, just a lackluster", and then I'd mumble something incoherently and chug the nearest bottle of pepto bismol.

This cute little tirade has made most Tiger fans happy, and has shown that he won't accept the same old same-old. This apparently is something that Trammel lacked, or something. People point to Leyland's WS ring and say "by golly, this geezer is a genius," but somehow ignore Trammel's ring. In the last week or so, I've read countless articles claiming the Tigers finally "got one right in Leyland." Cute journalism, but I'll wait more then 2 weeks to make bold claims like that. I mean, Phil Garner didn't exactly fit in with Detroit, and holy balls! He's in the World Series with the Astros. The fucking Astro's!

First off, I am by no means saying that Leyland is a bad manager. Way too early to tell, obviously. At 7-6, this is pretty much where I thought we'd be right now. But, this is before I knew that Jesus Christ would resurrect in the form of an overweight, red-headed 1st basemen. "Are you saying Jesus can't hit a curveball?" No, jesus can hit any pitch you throw at him right now. Currently, Shelton is leading in all triple crown categories in the AL, and currently has hit for 62 total bases this year. 62 total bases is a lot, but it’s absolutely crazy when Albert Pujols is the 2nd in total bases at 45.

The fact that Shelton is hitting 6th in this lineup is an absolute joke. Chris(t) batting 6th and the monstar's from space jam keep me awake at night and haunt my dreams. Shelton has 17 RBI's right now, which is absolutely batshit insane if you look at the rest of his stats. How a guy who is hitting .471 with 9 HR's, 5 doubles, 3 triples and a slugging % of 1,216 and has only 17 Rbi's is just unbelievable. Unfortunately, this is what happens when you have the best hitter in baseball at the moment hitting 6th with such "legendary" sluggers like Gomez, Thames, Infante and Young hitting in front of him. Obviously, shelton isn't going to hit .500 this season, he'll realistically probably only hit .430 or something, but the fact that we aren't capitalizing on this babe ruthian statistical mindfuck is incomprehensible. The crazy thing is, if we had actually good hitters hitting around him, such as pudge, ordonez, polanco, his stats would be probably even gaudier. Also, superstition doesn't work in baseball. Leyland better start coaching instead of relying on superstition to manage this team.

The Tigers are going going back back to cali cali for a series with the A's right now. I'm kind of frustrated with this team right now, so a nice 30-40 game winning streak would put me at ease here. Also, here's the audio from leylands "tirade."

http://www.mlive.com/tigers/audio/index.ssf?/tigers/audio/audio06.html

Also, if you missed JIM ROME IS BURNING on espn today, then you missed a “phenomenal” show. It was “epic.” And like 3 people probably just got the jokes I just made. But, to get back to the show, ROME was spitting the truth (like he always does) about Shelton. The headline of his rant on Shelton was “passion of the chris.” My loyal readers obviously remember my “epic” rant to my “clones” on april 9, 2006 where I anoint him as this. So, Romey, since your obviously a loyal reader of my tigers blog, you better start bringing it stronger on your show and stop copying this blog. Bring it rome, Brady,“OUT!”

With that, I'll leave you with this.

"Here he comes, from the frozen north
Big Red!

A mighty man from the land of Thor
Big Red!
Big Red!

You pour in the goop
In the helmet thing
But you better watch out
When you pull the string!
Big Red!
Big Red!
Big Red!

He's big, big, big!
And he's red, red, red!
And that's how he got
to earn the name Big Red!
Big Red!
Big Red!"

Bring da motherfuckin ruckus, Cleveland

2006-04-13T19:25:00.000-04:00

You’d think I’d be upset after the Tigers got swept by Chicago. If you thought this, then you are right. Good job. Anyways, the Tigers slipped to 5-4 on the season with a measly 153 games yet to be played. A massive series with Cleveland looms this weekend for the Tigers.

Opening day was simply charming. It is always a delight to see the Ferris wheel in heavy rotation and the stupid fountain fireworks spraying water all over center field for the first time all season. On the plus side, I almost got smoked by a dmitri young HR in batting practice. That would have been messy and very injury-ey.

Basically, the only positive that came out of the series with Chicago is that the stormin’ mormon is still on pace for 126 HR’s this year. I have absolutely no idea why Omar Infante played DH the other day. That certainly was Leyland’s first sign that he might be going senile. Anyways, I’m putting that series behind me. I’m squarely focused on Cleveland. I have a good feeling about this series, not really sure why. Maybe it’s because I’ve been listening to george clinton for the last 4 hours, but who knows.

Peanut butter jelly and dmitri young with a baseball bat

The Passion of the Chris(t) Shelton

2006-04-09T23:55:00.000-04:00

I'm not a religious man, but after this first week of excellence I might need to do some serious soul-searching. I'm pretty sure god came to me in my dreams one night and the only thing I can remember is his beautiful flowing red locks of hair... The Tigers are 5-1 right now, at this rate we are only on pace for a 135 win season. Settling for just 135 wins is a loser’s mentality. Yes, that would break the MLB record for all-time wins, but I'm planning on us breaking many MLB records this year. I don't want us to put up just good #'s....I want the Tigers to put up videogame numbers. Videogame numbers are a magical type of achievement. In the video game universe, it is not out of the realm of possibility to hit 100 Hr's in a season, win 150 games, and have a starting pitcher go undefeated throughout the season. For example, I just hooked up my super nintendo and started a season with the 1994 detroit tigers in ken griffey jr. baseball. After 68 games, my record is 64-4. 5 out of 9 hitters are hitting above .400, and Cecil Fielder is hitting .462 with 33 HR's. Mike Moore, Bill Gullickson and David Wells are still undefeated with an ERA around 1.00. The most incredible stat of them all though, is Mike Hennemen is still yet to blow a save!

The other night the Tigers hit 6 Hr's off of some fool named R.A. Dickey in 4 innings. I'm pretty sure the R.A. stands for wRetchedly Assy. I know, that wasn't fair, but the 'w' is silent, so that’s just not fair in itself. I know the Royals and Rangers aren’t exactly known as baseball squadrons to fear, but going 5-1 isn’t anything to sneeze at. Also, every time we beat texas in anything, it somehow makes me feel like my political stance is validated. When the spurs beat the pistons last year, I was almost ready to concede that the Iraq War was fought on just means, and that the no-child left behind act literally left no child behind. Needless to say, it is pretty fucking wild what a Robert horry jump shot can do to your mental psyche.

Anyways, going in the game earlier today against Texass, Jesus Chris superstar was leading the AL in all triple crown categories, and child prodigy’s Joel Zumaya and Justin Verlander are tied in ERA at 0.00. Now, e’rybody gettin’ tipsy on that Detroit Tigers Kool-aid, oh yeah!!!!

In one of my earlier “classic” blog entries I said “$MoneyBags$ right now is our starting 1B for next year and for us to even have a chance of winning the World Series, its my opinion that he must hit at least .480 with 80 Hr's and 220 Rbi's and an OBP of at least .800.” Right now, he’s on pace to hit .583 with 135 Hr’s and 216 Rbi’s. Now, that is a dead on motherblogging prediction.

Home opener is tomorrow against Chicago. If your from Detroit, then you already know…you hate Chicago. You hate the bulls, bears, white-sox, blackhawks, etc. If you ever cheer for them, you are out. You’re banned from Michigan. This can be enforced, I know a great deportation guy, he’ll take care of you, and you will be dragged to Toledo or thrown into the nearest great lake.

Alright, I’ll be thur at Comerica tomorrow for the game. The home opener to me is the equivalent of Christmas morning, Halloween and flag day all combined. Its that neat, really. Jeremy Bonderman is going to be Henry Rowengartneresque in the way he puts down those dillholes from Chicago tomorrow. Tigers win 6-1 tomorrow, which will not also be their record by 4:15 pm on Monday.

Tigers Sweep Royals....160 games to go for perfect season

2006-04-05T23:02:00.000-04:00

After the Tigers 2 game series against the Royals, the Tigers are as expected in first place alone in the AL Central.

If the tigers continue at this pace, which I'm sure they will, we might see some face melting stats.....here are some examples!

slim rodriguez..... .625 Avg. 82 Hr's 405 Rbi's 243 doubles
The Red Bull....... . 667 avg. 162 Hr's 162 Rbi's 1053 total bases
your 2004 all-star... .375 avg. 162 Hr's 243 Rbi's

BONDERMAN.....32-0 1.35 era. 259 K's 0 BB's
Gambler..........32-0 1.5 Era. 162 K's 0 BB's
Zumaya...... 0.00 Era and every other batter is a strikeout.

also, the Tigers are on pace to score 1377 runs, 1296 Hr's while giving up only 324 runs and giving up 81 Hr's.

Next up, the Tigers head to Texas to sweep the Rangers and personally give out wedgies and noogies to every stupid member of that baseball team. Hopefully, the Bengal belters will have enough time to tour the basement of the alamo while they are in texas before they head back to detroit for the home opener.

Yours truly will be the home opener because I’m skipping school to go watch baseball instead. I know what you’re thinking..."Brady, I saw those commercials! A mind is a terrible thing to waste! Egads!" Don't worry, I'm really smrt. I are spending to much tyme in skool anywaise.

Plus, I'm planning on foregoing my senior year of college in order to enter my name into the MLB draft. Hasta La vista el bloggo

Opening Day Haiku

2006-04-02T22:48:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow, the Tigers begin their quest for a world championship. The hated Kansas Shitty royals are the first of many victims on a summer-long slaughter fest with a baseball bat. "Fireballer" Kenny Rogers toes the mound for the Tigers against Scott Elarton. In my excitement, I composed a haiku to express how I feel.

Its opening day
Tigers slay Central Rivals
Royals first victim

Obviously, I'm a supremely talented poet... Anyways, Zack Greinke the young talented pitcher for the Royals would most likely be their opening day starter, but during spring training he left for "personal reasons." In recent interviews such gems about Greinke’s off the field issues have been revealed. Here is a quote from http://www.deadspin.com/sports/baseball/whats-going-on-with-zack-greinke-157692.php...

"An interview with Zack Greinke brings up serious questions about that whole “intellect” thing. When asked if he could have dinner with any famous person, dead or alive, he says, “Brad Pitt.” He also punched his car when he found out Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and cried himself to sleep. Seriously."

Wow, I try to maintain some level of class on this blog and not make fun of personal issues...but wow. I am sincerely cheering for Greinke to make a comeback...completely just so I can heckle the fuck out him and make a millionaire grown man cry.

In sad news, "grizzled" veteran Todd Jones is injured and was placed on the 15 day DL. Amazingly, he’s the only Tiger regular who isn’t ready to start the season.

Unfortunately, I have 2 exams tomorrow. I’ll miss the majority of the game, but I should be back in time to watch the Tigers humiliate the Royals physically and mentally on the way to a 162-0 dream season.

Karlos kan't make the klub

2006-03-26T15:01:00.000-05:00

In a not so surprising move, the Tigers unconditionally released perennial under-achiever KKKKarlos Pena. If you remember, we acquired him in the Weaver trade along with Bonderman and German. At that time, Pena looked like our best prospect. Unfortunately, he schlubbed it up for the 3.5 seasons he spent as a tiger. He never hit above .253 and he was extremely strike-out prone. In my opinion, Pena suffered from an extreme case of eric munsonitis. This extremely crippling disease causes players with incredible potential to consistently be one of the least effective players on our team, but then out of the blue they will just start hitting 440 foot Hr's with really no problem. It’s frustrating, to say the least.

Releasing painya now saves the Tigers a little over 2.1 million of the 2.8 million we were due to owe him this year. So, that’s nice for the Illitch's I guess. The tigers probably tried their hardest to trade karlos, but no team would bite. This move possibly might mean that 'mighty' marcus thames will get a shot with the squad this year or even the wild-card Rrrrramon Santiago (roll your R's) might make the team as a utility INF.

8 days until opening day.... What, what, say what, say what, anything can happen.

Only 240 hours until opening day

2006-03-24T16:09:00.000-05:00

Zumaya to the left of me! Verlander to the right of me!

Today, the Tigers lost by a touchdown (pat good) and a field goal to our hated rivals from the southwest... yep, you guessed it, the Houston Astro's. Usually a 13-3 loss really dampens my mood, but not this time, we'll get our revenge in the World Series.

Yesterday was actually one of the most important days in recent Tiger history. Not only did the Tigers win a Grapefruit league thriller in extra innings over the Phillies, but two of the best pitching prospects the Tigers have had in my entire existence took the mound and secured spots on the major league roster. I'd say probably me and like 30 other geeks are the only ones that actually were aware of this, but this is huge nonetheless. I'm pretty sure not many other people were using the internet on their phones during class to check how zumaya and verlander pitched in spring training. Anyways, after the game Verlander was named our 5th starter and Zumaya will start the season out of the bull pen.

Before spring training, I did not think that Verlander or Zumaya would make the team. But apparently when your stiffest competition is a guy named Colon, I should not of underestimated them. Zumaya and Verlander won these spots on the team, they were the most deserving.

I bet you, one of my 8 or so loyal readers are asking yourself if I have ever seen these guys pitch? Well, my gentle souls, I can tell you I have, and thus I consider myself somewhat coherent when it comes to this. I actually went to the futures game during the all-star break just to watch these two pitch. Unfortunately, when you are 20 years and 10 months old, they don't round up. So, me and one of my buddies downed as much cheap whiskey in the parking lot, leading to us missing the first couple of innings. Verlander started, we missed it because we were taking shots of "Ten High" whiskey. Wow, that was stupid. But we did see Zumaya pitch, and he turned in a very steve nebraska-esque performance. At least, thats how the drunk me remembers it. And to be fair to me, I had to watch the celebrity softball classic right after the futures game, so it wouldn't of been acceptable to be sober while watching Jon Lovitz play softball against Bo Jackson and SI swimsuit models. Also, DETROITS OWN Uncle Kracker was the mid-game entertainment.

Later I was in attendence for one of Verlander's rare major league starts last year. At that time, he was very raw, but definitely had a ton of potential. His fastball reaches the upper 90's and his curve ball can become a devastating pitch if he is able to mix up his pitches well. I believe the Tigers lost that game like 4-1 and it was late august. By that time, we had already given up on the season so the score really doesn't matter. Verlander is ranked as one of the top 10 prospects in all of baseball.

Also, in case the caption to the picture was confusing. You were supposed to sing it, and then fill in the rest of the dylan lyrics after that. Hopefully for my hearts sake, Zumaya and Verlander aren't clowns and/or jokers this year, LOL. Hopefully Verlander can go all Josh Beckett on the MLB's ass this year, and we'll have a plus .500 record.

G-Diddy or Nook Daddy?

2006-03-15T23:31:00.000-05:00

Ever since Dirty Sanchez left Detroit and its spacious CF position, the Tigers have been struggling to find a replacement. In Sanchez, the tigers would need to replace a lead-off hitter who has no eye and can't field or throw for shit. So those were very small shoes that needed to be filled. You could even say baby shoes. But unfortunately, Craig Monroe was our best option last year in CF. He played admirably defensively learning the position as the year progressed, but it became obvious he fits in best as a corner outfielder.

Nook Logan, whose real name is Exavier Prente Logan....no lie, was given the first chance to impress in CF. Logan’s strength is he runs like a cheetah, and his weakness is he swings the bat like a cheetah. Logan is easily one of the fastest players in the MLB, and this is 100% why he is in the major leagues. Basically, his goal is to hit a squibber to 1st basemen, and miraculously beat the 1st basemen to 1st base. This sounds kind of impossible, but he does it routinely. At first, Logan was getting the job done. He was causing lots of problems for the defense and stole bases at a high percentage. Unfortunately, the other teams had a pulse. They started to play him extremely shallow and throw him some curve balls. His average plummeted.

Next to get the chance was Wunderkid Curtis Granderson. He doesn’t possess the speed that Logan has, but he’s no slouch. He actually can swing a bat, and hit the ball out of the infield. His main weakness might be the # of Strikeouts he racks up. Granderson was a very steady and reliable player for the Tigers in the last month or so of the season. He was easily the most consistent option and the power he brought to the plate was a welcome addition.

Going into spring training, it was obvious the competition was between Granderson and Logan for the opening day spot on in CF. So far, the competition has been extremely lopsided. Logan is eating a shit-sandwich at the plate batting .156 with a .229 OBP with 5 steals and a tumor inducing .156 slugging %. Granderson on the other hand, is the mack-daddy extraordinaire. He’s batting .423 with a .571 OBP with 5 steals and a tumor curing .885 slugging %. Both have played in 9 games thus far in spring training.

It seems fairly obvious now that Granderson will start in CF opening day. Logan’s speed is an incredible asset, no doubt, but it is useless if you can’t hit the ball. I know it has only been 9 games, but a .156 average is terrible when you are supposed to be trying to impress the most. Logan will most likely make the team as the 4th outfielder. For the Tigers, that’s an extremely important position. Magglio will be hurt sometime this year, that’s fairly obvious, and the 4th outfielder will get lots of AB’s and time to impress. Also, Logan will serve as a great pinch-runner and a very good late inning defensive replacement.

The Tigers play the Yankees and the Nationals tomorrow. I predict a double-mercy for the tigers tomorrow. The Tigers are 10-6 right now 1 game behind the Fla. Marlins for the prestigious Grapefruit league crown. Oh, and 18 days until opening day.

pre NAP-TOWN tigers update

2006-03-08T13:27:00.000-05:00

Sadly, the catcher in this picture was literally ripped in half seconds after this picture was taken. The unbelievable impact caused his upper body to land a good 5 rows up in the crowd and registered a 6.3 on the Richter scale. His lower body literally evaporated. Don't ask me to explain how a lower body can evaporate, just know that the impact between meathook and #17 was comparable to 5 nuclear bombs going off inside #17's chest. Dmitri then picked up the severed head, autographed its forehead, and gave it to a youngster who will cherish this severed skull for eternity. Don't expect that priceless gem to end up on EBAY.

Unfortunately though, Dmitri hurt his leg in intense early march Spring training baseball action. Hopefully, he doesn't wang-tang around and he's ready to go opening day.

The Tigers are a respectable 5-2 right now. This is good for being 1 game back for the best record in baseball right now. The Butt-pirates have the best record right now and are 6-1, with their only "L" coming to los Tigres.

Alright, well my SPF 45 is packed and I'm off to beautiful Indianapolis for some big-ten basketball action. Take it easy, you sarcastic jokester freakazoids.

TIGERS ARE FUCKING UNDEFEATED

2006-03-03T13:41:00.000-05:00

PENNANT FEVER IS RUNNING RAMPANT IN EAST LANSING/LAKELAND FLORIDA. THE CHAMPAGNE IS ON ICE. THE TIGERS ARE FUCKING 2-0 AFTER BLOWING OUT THE MOCCA-SUCKS FROM FLORIDA SOUTHERN 4-3, AND THEN IMMEDIATELY DROPPIN' SERIOUS ELBOWS ON THE RED'S 8-5 THE NEXT DAY.

Slim Rodriguez led off the game against the Red's with a dinger to RF and then went 3-3 on the day...hopefully, this means he has decided to sacrifice his testicles in getting back on steroids in order to help the sqaud. Nasty Nate Robertson pitched 2 shutout innings with 3 strikeouts. I imagine he'll keep up that 10.5 Strikeout per game average.

Also, as I type this the Tigers are up 8-4 in the 3rd inning against the hated Reds. It was 2-2 in the 2nd inning. I can only assume Nook logan, Carlos PAINYA, Meathook, Magglio, Polanco and Kevin Hooper hit the first ever back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back HR's in baseball history. And those 2 runs that Maroth gave up? Those were pity runs. Everyone knows the Reds are simply inferior...no need to rub it in their faces.

This will get you butt-pysched for baseball season. Here's Ernie Harwell.
http://www.msu.edu/~drozepat/today/Ernie%20Harwell's%20-%20Last%20vice%20of%20the%20turtle.mp3

"...AND THE THE VOICE OF THE TURTLE IS HEARD IN OUR LAND"

don't ask me to try to explain the voice of the turtle. I can only imagine its some kind of chirping, kind of pussy noise. I mean, its a fucking turtle, its not going to growl or roar or anything. And also, don't ask me to explain how a turtles voice symbolizes spring and baseball. It just does, Ernie's always right, and if you think differently, well your a fucking travesty to the human race.

go tigers

Tigers vs. Florida Southern March 1st

2006-02-19T15:59:00.000-05:00

The Moccasins of Fla. southern take on the detroit tigers in a week and a half.

hopefully the tigers can beat the living shit out of those d'bag college kids from florida.

Todd Jones looks good.

Monroe back with the Tigers for 2.5 mill.

2006-02-08T16:21:00.000-05:00

according to this chart...2.5 million seems just about right for Craig Monroe.

Craigger's had some some difficulty with money last off-season. He was caught on camera stealing a $30 belt from a store and was later arrested. Now, with the 2.5 million he'll be making he can afford some belts. 83,333 belts to be precise.

This signing is good, and most importantly avoided arbitration. Last year he was by far our most consistent outfielder, and he should only improve this season. Right now, he is our starting LF, but is able to play any position in the outfield and play it well. Last year he "belted" 20 Hr's and led the team in Rbi's, and with a set position on the team these numbers should only improve.

Oh, and right now there is only 7 days until pitchers and catchers report and only 54 days until Opening Day. I am giddy with excitement.

Brady Leyland's projected 2006 Tiger Line-up

2006-01-29T17:02:00.000-05:00

With only 64 days until the Tigers open their season against those fiesty Royals of Kansas City, I decided its about time to take an extremely unecessary look at the possible tigers opening day line-up. This is in my opinion our best line-up at this time, but you must factor in that atleast 3 or 4 starters will miss significant playing time by the time spring training is done.

1. PLACIDO POLANCO, 2b
2. PUDGE RODRIGUEZ, C
3. CHRIS(t) SHELTON, 1b/Dh
4. MAGGLIO ORDONEZ, RF
5. CRAIG MONROE, LF
6. CARLOS GUILLEN
7. MEATHOOK/PAINYAAA, DH/1b
8. GRANDERSON, CF
9. INGE, 3b

Rotation:
1. Gambler
2. Bonderman
3. Robertson
4. Maroth
5. Colon

This pitching rotation and batting order do not thrill me all that much, but they are definitely an improvement over last year. We could possibly have one of the best line-ups in baseball, if they actually decide to show a pulse and show some discipline at the plate. I put Pudge up high in the line-up in place of where Guillen is because right now I really have low expectations of Guillen. I hope I'm wrong, because I'm pretty much the biggest Guillen supporter out there, but his knee is a mess. He's also playing in the world baseball classic, which is kind of craptastic for the tigers, because he can't really rest or recooperate that very well. I'm also hoping slim can come to terms with whatever mental illness was eating away at his brain and he can put up some solid stats. I have Monroe up high because I feel he really hasn't gotten nearly the credit he deserved for being our best offensive player last year.

I really can't decide between pena and young. Pena has so much more potential and actually seems to care about the team. Young is a gigantic human being. Last year he was a burden both on and off the field. Right now, Young is the more consistent hitter and Pena is a much better defensive player. And for the last month of the year, Pena might of been our best hitter. We need a LH power hitter more then anything...and pena is that, but he just sucks at the beginning of seasons. So, I'm starting Young...but if starts to schlub around; Pena is in quickly, and Shelton takes over DH.

With our pitching rotation, I put K-Rog first just to provide some consistency. Bonderman will probably be our best pitcher, but I don't know if he's ready for all the pressure of a #1 starter. I put Colon 5th just because I really do not want Verlander or Zumaya in the majors yet. Give them time to develop, don't rush them, yadda yadda yadda. They might be ready by mid-season, but who knows, maybe Colon can actually live up to his potential and do decent. Who knows.

If your curious why I put that picture up of booby higginson, its simple really, I just flat-out hate that motherfucker. It also looks like he's seriously cracked out at some random house party. He single handedly tried to ruin my child-hood. That piece of shit. Atleast the chick is hot...but I feel bad for her, because she probably has chlamydia now. GOD DAMN YOU BOBBY. also, thats Chelios in the bottom corner.

Tigers offer most obscene contract in the history of mankind

2006-01-24T19:14:00.000-05:00

Randy Smith offers this schlub 140 million dollars for 8 years. Incredibly, schlub turns down what was richest contract in history of athletics at the time.

I still have kind of mixed feelings when I look back at this mindfuck of a deal. First, its incredibly lucky that for whatever reason he didn't take this deal. I mean, the Booby Hig. deal was bad, but this deal would of been baaaaaaaaaaaddddddd. Second, it is just kind of depressing that a guy can turn down a 8-year 140 million dollar contract to play for your team. I mean, I love the Tigers, and to think that someone would turn down what would of been the richest sporting contract of all-time at that time because they think that lowly of your favorite team is kind of shitty pill to swallow.

The reason I'm bringing this deal back up again is JuanGone was recently signed to a Minor-League contract with the Cleveland Indians. He has a base contract of $600,000 but with incentive can make slightly more. So, if he signed the contract with the Tigers next year he'd probably be making somewhere around 17.5 million and instead he's making a less then a million for a minor-league team. Thank goodness the Gonz didn't enjoy Detroit winters. Because instead hes making almost 17 million dollars less a season to enjoy "Balmy" Cleveland instead.

Bitchtits back and with plenty to prove in 06'

2006-01-20T14:46:00.000-05:00

Slim had easily the most disappointing season of his career... can he rebound and lead the Tigers to a .500 season?

Rodriguez was a stupid baseball player last year. He apparently decided to lose all patience at the plate and go with the Willie Mays Hayes hitting technique. Even though he lost 25 lbs. in the off-season, he decided to swing for the fences of spacious Comerica Park. First off, how the fuck do you lose 25 Lbs. in an off-season. Well, I'll you how.

Either:
A) You had a nearly-fatal disease that lasted the entire off-season
B) You stopped using steroids.

Well, B's the answer. And that is real shitty because when you are an aging catcher that’s being paid over 40 Million dollars you can't really do that kind of shit. Pudge went from Fatty mcphatness to Omar Infante's twin brother. The thing that makes baseball great, is being lardy is not a necessarily a bad thing. Not much running or physical conditioning is required. Basically, you need great coordination and Super Mario-esque reflexes to succeed in baseball.

Ivan Rodriquez is arguably the greatest catcher of all-time. Throughout his career he has provided teams with gold-glove defense, consistent .300 hitting and great leadership. Last year, he played good defense, but everything else went to shit. On more then one occasion he fought with Alan Trammell and apparently forgot all hitting fundamentals. All his stats were down. The 2005 season was his lowest batting average since 1993, his lowest RBI total since 1992 and his lowest on-base percentage since he was a 19-year-old rookie in 1991.

He had 11 fucking walks on the season! He had over 500 at-bats and he walked 11 times. He averaged one fucking walk per 47.73 plate appearances. I haven't played baseball since high-school. There’s no way in hell I could even come close to touching major league pitching. But I am confident enough to say that I think I could walk 11 fucking times in 500+ at bats. It was ridiculous watching him out there. He decided even though he lost about almost all of his muscle in the off-season, he decided to take the video game approach and swing for the fences every at bat and not ever let a count get past ball 2.

Well, even though there’s plenty of reasons not to like Slim (steroids, attitude, decreasing stats...), he's still by far our best catcher. His defense is great and possibly even better now that he lost some weight. His hitting was so ridiculously bad last year that I can't imagine it could be any worse. I mean, fucking Vance Wilson is our back-up, I kind of gag uncontrollably whenever I see him in our starting line-up. Pudge did say he was going through a divorce last year and he was mentally "out of it" by the end of the season. I mean, that’s sad and all, but your getting paid 10 million dollars to have the greatest job in the world. You need to fight through that shit and not let your personal shit get in the way with your job.

He's got a lot to prove. Not only to everyone in Detroit, but also he has to start showing something to solidify his legacy as the best catcher of all-time.

Dream back in Detroit?

2006-01-16T23:35:00.000-05:00

Recent rumors have been circulating that Dreamweaver might come back to the team that birthed him into the majors.

Personally, I'd like this move if we aren't forced to sign him into a long term deal. He's got some nasty stuff, and can dominate on any given night. Unfortunately, he's a bit of a spaz. You never know if he's going to pitch a perfect game or have a batting helmet bounced off his head by mike sweeney in a brawl.

Weaver's strength and also his weakness is his unwillingness to not back down from anybody. Even though the best pitch probably isn't the belt high fastball to barry bonds, Weaver will probably still throw it...and it will probably be hit atleast 450 ft. But sometimes this is an advantage. This guy always is on the mound trying to win and trying to out-think and confuse the hitters at bat. When we traded him to the Yankees, I cried. Like a little bitch. But he was legitimately the best thing going for the Tigers at that time. Getting Bonderman, Pena and German for him also helped me feel a little bit more at ease about the trade.

Weaver had lots of issues on and off the field in Detroit. Most notably, and easily my favorite was when he and I believe Robert Fick were alledgedly smoking PHAT Blunts on the Tigers airplane and also were accused of sexually harassing the stewardesses on the same flight. Now that, is good stuff. I just can't believe that stuck up Hoochie-mama stewardess didn't just submit to the dream. Also, Weaver likes to talk a lot of shit on the mound. Sometimes this is fine, sometimes it backfires like it did in Kansas City. After Sweeney asked the home-plate umpire to tell Weaver to move his resin bag, Weaver very maturely called Sweeney a "fucking pussy." Sweeney apparently took offense to this, and kind of beat the shit out of Dreamweaver. But to be fair to Weaver, I still think that Sweeney is a "fucking pussy." So, Weaver at the time was not considered much of a "character guy" in the clubhouse.

After the trade, Weaver has basically been a confusing pitcher. He's got great stuff, but he never was able to take that step to becoming one of the better pitchers in baseball. But he hasn't been a bad pitcher, just kind of a dissapointing pitcher I guess you could say. He also hasn't been accused of harrassing anymore stewardesses recently, so this could be a sign of improved maturity with age.

I'd take Weaver on the Tigers. A starting rotation of Bonderman, Weaver, Rogers, Nasty Nate and Maroth would be pretty respectable. Weaver is also a workhorse. He's pitched over 200 innings a season the last 2 years and also has not had any notable injuries in his career, so he's not much of a liability in that way. Dream made almost 9.5 mill. last year. I don't know if he is going to be able to get that kind of $ from Detroit or any other team, but a short contract would be ideal in signing him. Still, its not out of the realm of possibilty though that that the tigers offer Weaver a 7 year 80 Million dollar contract. Thats just how we roll, and fuck the haters.

Maroth and Inge back and primed for run at World Series

2006-01-13T17:28:00.000-05:00

Right: Bob Cluck has no idea where he is. And has a awful fracture in his left "glutal" area.

The Tigers recently announced that Maroth and Inge have agreed to sign with the 2006 DEE-Trrooittt BASEballlll Team.

Mike Maroth, best known as the only pitcher to lose 20 or more games since 1980, has been resigned to a 2-year $5.25 million dollar contract. Even though Maroth hasn't lived up to his potential yet...this is a good signing. Maroth has some good stuff on the mound and his best days are definitely in front of him.

Bob Cluck, pitching coach of last year, has an incredibly optimistic view on Maroth. He recently said "I think eventually, he'll be a 20-game winner and an All-Star. He reminds me of Doug Drabek, who won the Cy Young when I was with him in Houston." To be fair to Bob Cluck, when he made these comments he had taken multiple hits of extacy and polished off an entire fifth of Popov Vodka.

Maroth is a good steady pitcher, and it should be our goal to not have Verlander or Zumaya in the starting rotation to start next year. They aren't ready yet, and they shouldn't be thrown in to the pressure packed environment of Comerica Park Baseball.

Brandon Inge was picked up for another year to be our starting 3b for next year. Inge has a tendency to excel on the impossible plays in the field, but struggle mightily on little dinkers that are hit his way. His lack of fundamentals can be mostly attributed to the fact that he has basically played every position on the field other then pitcher.

The main problem I have with this signing is consistency. Inge is not a consistent fielder or a hitter. At times, he can be our best player on the field, and at times he can look like Kevin Hooper out there. His best role on the team is as a super-sub. He plays all positions well, but not great. He would make a great bench-player and would play in the majority of games next year. With the Tigers obviously going to have at least 7 or more catastrophic injuries by the time spring training is over, finding Inge time in the field would not be hard.

I felt the Tigers did not pursue a 3b or SS strong enough in free agency. Carlos Guillen hardly has knees anymore, and he will struggle if he has to play every game and show great range at SS. I’d prefer to have him at 3b, where his strong fundamentals could excel and his declining range would not be exploited as much. Omar Infante looks as if our management thinks he is the future at SS, which he might be, but he is not ready for an extensive time in the starting line-up unless he improves rapidly.

Chris "$Moneybags$" Shelton

2006-01-11T15:21:00.000-05:00

Is this dashing young man ready to become the face of the Detroit Tigers?

Chris Shelton was easily the biggest surprise of the 2005 Tigers. Selected By Dave Dombrowski in the Rule V draft, this former catcher was known as an outstanding pure hitter and defensively as a catcher, he was as polished as Dmitri Young playing outfield. But Big Red's hitting more then made up for his piss-poor catching and he was on the team. It was extremely important to find any way possible to get Shelton somewhere in the line-up.

With Karlos Pena struggling and Dmitri Young being too fat to play baseball effectively (I didn't even know that was possible), the Red Bull was able to take over 1st base. He basically was learning on the job, and amazingly did an admirable job. His defense wasn't on par with Karlos', but he rapidly improved and was not a burden defensively for this team.

The most remarkable thing about Shelton's season was how quickly and effectively he adjusted to major league pitching. His best asset as a hitter is his ability to hit with power to all parts of the park. With Comerica Park being “bigger then a mug,” he was able to hit a whopping three triples. Three triples isn't very much, but Chris Shelton is no Speedy Sanchez, so that’s pretty impressive. Shelton hit around .330 for most of the year before struggling at the end of the season and finished hitting .299 for the season. His 18 homeruns were also a welcome addition to the power-deficient Tiger line-up.

My biggest worry is that Shelton might struggle next year. His dip in batting average probably had a lot to do with AL pitchers becoming more aware of Shelton's tendencies as a hitter and studying film of him. Although, it has been noted that Big Red is a "student of the game" and is always working at getting better and adjusting to the nuances of the pitchers he faces. One drunken 50 year old woman at copa last year told me that Chris Shelton as a hitter reminded her of "Tony Gwynn." And who am I to argue with a 50 year old drunken woman. She obviously knows her baseball. $MoneyBags$ right now is our starting 1B for next year and for us to even have a chance of winning the World Series, its my opinion that he must hit at least .480 with 80 Hr's and 220 Rbi's and an OBP of at least .800.

Also, Shelton is from Utah. So that’s just pretty funny in itself. That must have been quite the culture shock coming from a very culturally diverse state such as Utah and moving to Detroit.

BREAKING NEWS!!

2006-01-10T20:06:00.000-05:00

Tigers agree to terms with MATT MANTEI!

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=ap-tigers-mantei&prov=ap&type=lgns

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diamond Dave (Dombrowski)

2006-01-10T13:43:00.000-05:00

Dombrowski in the D

Unlike Randy Smith, Dombrowski seems to have a pulse and actually pay attention to baseball.

Dave Dombrowski was a successful GM before taking the Tigers job. He won a World Series with the Marlins with a rent-a-team and a rent-a-coach in Leyland and this is in large part why this dynamic duo has been reunited in Detroit.

I still kind of want to repeatedly punch Dave in the face/groin for the 2003 season. I put almost all of the blame on him and this was the first year that I started getting partial season tix for the Tigers. That 2003 team was bad. I honestly think the Erie Sea wolves might take them in a best of 5 series. Brandon Inge was our catcher that year and Dombrowski publicly stated before the season that he would be thrilled if Brandon Inge could hit over .200 for the season. As a fan, you know your season is going to be shit when your front office would be happy with a .200 hitter. Inge at that time was basically a single A ballplayer starting at one of the most pressure-filled positions on the entire team. Although, Inge surpassed Dombrowski's goals and hit an awe-inspiring .203 and inspired our Tigers to win a earth-shattering 43 games that year, he effectively rattled the fuck out of Maroth and Bonderman. These two combined to lose 40 games between them. It had been something like 20 years since the last pitcher lost 20 games in a season. This vomit-inducing display of talent was also to be led by first year manager Alan Trammell. It really isn't much of a wonder why we were one inning from being the worst team in the history of baseball.

Alright, enough of the 2003 season. That season sucked, and I’m making myself physically ill by thinking about it. But it might have been somewhat necessary. This team has been rebuilding since 1993 (our last winning season) and it probably was best to tear everything apart instead of making minor changes.

For the first time since I’ve been a conscious living person, the Tigers are developing a farm system. We have some real talent down there for once, and it looks like a decade of top ten draft picks one or two might actually see the field. Most notably, our future in pitching looks bright. With Justin Verlander and Joel Zumaya possibly being part of the rotation this year. Probably the Tigers biggest surprise last year was Chris Shelton. Chris “moneybags” Shelton was a player the Tigers basically acquired for free. We were able to claim him from the Pittsburgh buttpirates in the Rule 5 Draft.

The Tigers have been on the super-fantastic side of two one-sided trades under Dombrowski. We traded a perennial minor leaguer (Ramon Santiago) for a legit all-star SS in Carlos Guillen. We also recently re-signed Santiago a couple of days ago, and he has been designated as team bat-boy of the Lakeland Tigers. The other trade of course was Placido Polanco for Ugie Urbina. Now Urbina, he is a wild motherfucker. He’s currently being held in a Venezuelan Jail for the attempted murder of 5 workers. Urbina attacked these workers with a machete and tied them up and poured gasoline on them and was moments away from becoming a serial killer before he was arrested. Urbina earlier in the 2005 season also got in a fist-fight with essentially the entire Tiger team on an airplane. Ugie decided to get liquored up and and ultimate fight everyone on the team. This ended badly for Ugie as he was reportedly punched “repeatedly in the face” by Brandon Inge. In Polanco, we got a defensively above average fielder who also has an offensively above average skull. He hit .338 last year in 86 games and was given the prestigious Detroit Tigers MVP award. So, to sum that trade up, we traded a guy who might be jailed for the rest of his life for possibly one of best 2B’s in all of baseball.

The Kyle Farnsworth trade sucked though. That was stupid. There is no way that Romon Colon could body slam Royals like Farnsworth could.

The gambler and who?? Todd Jones

2006-01-09T17:50:00.000-05:00

Pitching was the main reason the Tigers shat the bed in 2005, so the Tigers addressed this in the only way they know how. Signing two "fogies" to provide some much needed relief in the bullpen and one lefty to anchor the rotation.

TIGERS SIGN KENNY ROGERS! OMG!

Only the Tigers can add a 43 year-old pitcher who might be psychotic, and be content that this will solve their pitching troubles. As everyone knows, Rogers is an accomplished singer/chicken maker, but in 2005 he was able to add accomplished felon to his sterling record when he assaulted a camera man. In the picture I included, it looks like the camera man is severely overreacting to Rogers. Rogers simply looks like he just wanted "high-five," and that bastard of a camera man decided to leave him "hanging," so Rogers decided to pummel him. Fair enough.

Rogers acting like a slightly psychotic grumpy old man was of benefit for the Tigers. This made us basically the only team in the running to sign Rogers. Of course, the Tigers were basically bidding against themselves for the services of this "crafty" lefty, and like always, grossly overpaid. Most expected Rogers to sign a one year deal worth anywhere from 5-6 million, but the Tigers felt generous and signed him to a 2-year 16 million dollar deal.

Alright, theres plenty to not like about this signing. The money, the length, 43 years old and he might just possibly be mentally ill. But I'm going to tell you why this signing makes sense. Even though he's a fossil, he still had one of his best years of his career last year. He had a 3.46 ERA and was selected to the all-star game. And he pitched in a heavy hitters friendly park last year. He's a lefty also, which automatically makes him slightly more valuable then a righty. Plus, if I learned anything from "wild thing" Rick Vaughn, its that intimidation is half the battle in pitching. I mean, who wouldn't be intimidated by a grizzly old man who at any time can dot you in the ribs with a screaming 86 mph fastball.

Rogers can still be considered a top of the rotation type of pitcher. This will take some pressure off of Bonderman and let him settle in the #2 hole for next year. With a young pitching staff, an old man might be exactly what this team needs. I'd also easily take Rogers over Johnson, so I feel we slightly improved in that aspect. Also, there's no salary cap in baseball, so I'm not going to lose that much sleep by a overpaying for Rogers.

TIGERS SIGN 2000 AL ROLAIDS RELIEF MAN OF THE YEAR

I don’t think any true Tigers fan can truly say anything bad about Todd Jones, so I won’t. But I just have a bad feeling about this signing. Jones was one of the most effective relievers in the NL last year posting a colon-exploding 2.10 Era in Florida last year. What concerns me is that he largely struggled since being honored by Rolaids, and last year might be not be any way to truly predict how he will pitch next year.

Right now, Jones is our Closer. Which is definitely a step-up from Rodney/Franklynstein. But he’s 38, and is not particularly overpowering. If he can have any type of year similar to last year, that would go a long way to helping us be somewhat competitive in the al central.

I’ll basically just be satisfied if he comes in, slams the bullpen door, and loads the bases up and miraculously gets out of it like before. Even when he had 42 saves in 2000, nothing came easy.

I included a picture of Jones Jonesin for some beer. I can only assume after he finished his 2 Budweisers and solo Coors that he immediately Macked on those Hunnies in the background.

1984 World Series MVP out...#1 Grandpa in at manager

2006-01-08T18:32:00.000-05:00

After sitting through the wretched mind-fuck that was the 2005 Tigers, it was obvious changes needed to be made.

Alan Trammell out, Jim Leyland in:
I felt this was a rather cheap move and a way of placing blame on someone who was not really completely at fault for the disappointing season. Trammell, I think was in over his head when he got the job, but I felt deserved one more year to try to save his job and show some improvement. Any manager will struggle when his $100 million dollar free agent can't play half a season because of injuries, his best pure hitter decides to stop using steroids and also is completely batshit insane on top of that. I mean, he drew 11 fucking walks in 129 games! That is almost one walk for every million we paid him to play for us last year. And Dmitri Young decided to get fatter, and pout on the bench. Also, his best pitcher was 22 years old at the time.

That is not a good recipe for success, and in hindsight I think its kind of remarkable we were playing .500 baseball for most of the year.

Jim Leyland seems like a decent enough guy. He's old; he smokes, and has won a World Series. But, he hasn't coached since sending the Rockies to the ground and throwing out the arms of much of their pitching prospects at the same time. I am impressed by what he did with the Pirates. He developed a lot of talent (see Barry Bonds) and made pittsburgh one of the better teams in NL during the early 90's. But Like I said, he's old. I included a picture of him to emphasize he's old. And that picture is atleast 6 years old. He really only is 60 years old right now, but he looks like he has seen some wild shit in his days.

Overall if I'd have to grade this move...I'd give it a C.

It is going to be interesting to see how our young players respond to Leyland. Especially our young pitching staff. Bonderman, Verlander, Zumaya, Colon, German have great potential, but we get to see how they respond to Leylands coaching.